Combating Ignorance.

I have had a few interesting (read painful) conversations the past couple of weeks, that I would like to share.

The first is with a few people who I would have called some of my best friends, until I saw the way they reacted to my coming out, and leaving the church. They truly believe that I am morally wrong for choosing to be open, and deciding to act on my innate nature, and choosing to be gay. See I might not choose my feelings, but by choosing to act on them I am choosing to be gay. and I suppose that maybe there is some truth in that. I am choosing to identify and live my life as a gay man. Do you know why? It is because the years I spent trying to be a straight man were some of the worst of my life. But affirming, and choosing this new identity has made me at peace with myself, which is worth any conflict I have to deal with outside of myself.

But one of my friends truly believes that I wasn't always this way. He told me that I was interested in girls before he was. That I seemed to want to date girls, and then I went to school and took all those gender classes and decided to be gay.

I tried to explain to him, that I have never been sexually attracted to a woman, or felt the way about a girl that he probably has. But I did have a few close female friends and that I recognized that when a guy and a girl became that close they were supposed to start dating. I thought that I must be feeling what other people call attraction and romance. It was only when I gained the vocabulary to realize and understand the feelings I had for certain guys, that I realized that whatever I had felt for any female would never match the things I feel for certain guys. And I made that realization in the middle of junior high, and then spent the next 6 years fighting against it. Believing that 'Gay' could just be an adjective to describe certain thoughts and actions, and not a noun to describe me.

I guess my friend is right in a way. My gender classes and other sociology classes did have a profound impact on me, but they didn't make me gay. Rather, they helped make me comfortable with a part of myself that I had always reviled. They gave me the courage I needed to CHOOSE to come out. and to CHOOSE to be honest with myself about what I want. I guess he can keep arguing that it is a choice, but this choice has made my life worth living, instead of something to merely be endured.

The next conversation was over facebook, with a girl who came to my gospel essentials class when I taught it. And she seemed to think that I had a much stronger testimony and belief than I actually did at the time she knew me. But I guess that isn't her fault, as the lesson plans I was given mandated me to bear my testimony about things I wasn't sure I believed. But I did it, hoping that it was true that a 'testimony is to be found in the bearing of it'. But it wasn't. At least not for me. And that is one of the reasons I started separating myself from church. It was ok to go and slide under the radar, but to have to go and lie every week about the things I believed was too painful. When they changed the ward mission leader though I just stopped teaching, and they replaced me, so that ended up being okay.

But here is our conversation:

Church ‘friend’: so i herd you thought it would be fun to deny the church and claim to me an athiest?

be

Me: I don't believe I have ever belittled your beliefs, so do me a favour and don't belittle mine.

Church ‘friend’: ummm if your athiest dosnt that kinda mean you dont have any

Me: If you think that you are grossly misinformed. I believe in lot's of things. I believe all human beings should have the same rights, and that one of those rights is to marry whoever they want. I believe that it is wrong to deny civil liberties to any person just because you believe them to be evil. I believe that even when God says slavery and genocide are okay, it is still wrong.

I just don't believe in god.

Church ‘friend’: sorry i just thought it was sad that someone that knows the truth of the gospel would just walk away from it. sorry to bother you.

you have your agency do with it what you will. bye

Me: What truth did I know? For the record, the years I spent in the church were the most miserable of my life. And as I have watched my mormon friends walk away from me, or try to save me because I think differently than them, I have to ask if they were ever really my friends. My other friends accept the new me, who is more honest, more fulfilled, and more positive.

But thank you for your close minded bigotry.

Church ‘friend’: really Allen*?

Me: really what? I'm not sure part what you are unsure of, but yes.

Church ‘friend’: then be accepted by the world.

Me: Maybe the world will accept me, and maybe it won't. But what is important is that I can finally accept myself.

Church ‘friend’: i kinda just wanted to hear it for my self. i almost didnt belive you gave it up.

and for the record just because you walked away from the church dosnt mean i have somthing against you. i just thouhgt it was sad. i respect everyone and their choices.

Me: Go back and read your first comment again, and then tell me you are being respectful of my choices. You didn't ask me what happened to make me change my mind, you accused me of "claiming" to be an atheist because it would be fun.

Church ‘friend’: my dad chose not to be a member of the church for 16 of my 20 year i was. and my brother who was raised in the church now wears a cross. and fyi fun is a word i use often.

but iv never understood why people do it

anyways work calls gotta jet

I don't think I need to say anything else about that conversation. It speaks for itself.

The final one was with my parents. It has been interesting to watch them process all of the new information I am feeding them, and encouraging them to see. I showed my Mom this video last week, that I had posted on my tumblr, and after watching it she was nearly crying.

While she still believes in the church, and in certain things the church has said, she also recognizes that so much of what has been said came from a place of fear and othering, and not from a place of acceptance or even understanding. She had a gay uncle who killed himself, which I think makes her quicker to see things outside of the approved church view.

My Dad on the other hand is not so quick to come around. He is trying really hard to correlate me with his beliefs but I can see it is a struggle for him. He was trying to tell me why a new word, and a new institution should be good enough for gay people, so we don't have to redefine marriage. I told him that is wrong, and sets us up as second class citizens. We have already redefined so many words, like family, and parent, so why not marriage as well. I told him that the holocaust didn't start with killing jews and homos, that first they identified them, and made them wear stars and pink triangles, so people would start to see them as Jews and gays first, and as people second, and that a different kind of marriage would accomplish the same thing.

I told him that my marriage (if I ever choose to get married) would be just like his, and that the only thing that is different is the genitalia of my partner.

He tried to argue about the declining morals of society, so I explained to him that he didn't get to call himself a moral agent, because the only moral he believes in is obedience. He can condone all the killing, and child sacrifice, and genocide in the bible, because god commanded it. And if God commanded it again, he would hear and obey. My morality on the other hand comes from a place of reasoning, and deciding what is right and wrong.

He said that IF i could live that way that way, he would be proud of me. I asked why he phrased that in a way that seemed to assume I can't, and he didn't have an answer.

The conversation ended with him withdrawing to his room when he could see that not only did neither me or my mother value his opinion, but that it was offensive. I felt bad that I had to be so harsh with him, but on the other hand I do feel a need to show him why the things he believes about me, and what rights I should be allowed to have are wrong and offensive.

Anyways that is all. This post is already much longer than I intended it to be, but, despite the ignorance from so many around me, it is nice to see my parents taking in new information, and becoming more accepting. They still get defensive, even my Mom, about certain things, like when I mentioned I was considering talking to my nephews and neices at some point, because I didn't want the church to be their only source of information, so that they could believe I am bad, but still a huge amount of progress from my parents. Something I am very thankful for.

I wouldn't vote for him...

First, it has been a while since I have posted. Between school, and work I'm a little busy, but it is what it is.

I'm going to stray a little bit from the kind of stuff I usually talk about on here, but I will tie it all in at the end. Promise.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26315908//vp/44983707#44983707

So that link is to a video about Mitt Romney, and his goal of labeling conception as the start of life. This would make abortion illegal, but also many forms of birth control. It is a great video and I encourage you to watch it, or at least the first half.

And while this doesn't directly affect my life ,as I am neither a woman, nor a man likely to impregnate one, (also i live in Canada, but American politics are so much more interesting) it does show what kind of attitudes and views Romney will take. As much as he claims he can separate his religious beliefs from his duty as president, stuff like this makes it look like maybe he can't.

If this is the hard line stance he takes on abortion, I can't imagine he is going to be helpful or encouraging to LGBT people looking to get fair and equal treatment by the government.

and this needs to stop!

So another gay teen has commit suicide.

Gay teens are 2 to 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers, and almost one third of completed suicides are related to issues of sexual identity. And those are just a couple of the troubling statistics you can read if you click the above link. And this needs to stop.

Every time this happens we all have the obligatory moment of silence, and say how awful this problem is, and then we go back to our lives. But this will never change unless we start holding people accountable. And by that I mean a couple of things.

First, every time this happens we need to challenge all the people who were involved in telling these kids and young adults that they are not important, or not worthy to live. I'm not saying every bully should be charged with hate crimes, but people need to be made to feel responsible for the consequences of their actions.

However, kids will be kids, and are only a symptom of a more subtle problem. So, Second, we all need to admit our own part in repeating this cycle of abuse. It is easy to point at the religious leaders, and fundamentalist Christians and say that they are responsible for this. And that isn't wrong. Every time one of them says that tolerating homosexuality is damaging to families or the fabric of society it gives students consent to bully LGBT youth by setting them up as "the bad guy".

But we need to recognize that we also give our consent when we choose to stay silent.

That is true for straight people and us queer people. Every time we hear someone make a homophobic comment and we let it slide, we contribute to the problem. Every time we hear someone use the word gay as a synonym for stupid without calling them out on it we contribute. By choosing to stay silent as if our orientation is some sick secret we should be ashamed of, we contribute. It is for that reason that I applaud those who get involved with groups like the It Gets Better project.

I found out today that more people are realizing that I am gay than I thought. I have heard of a few people who have heard rumours about me, and contacted family or friends to find out if it is true, including my old bishop. No one has contacted me though, perhaps they think they are being sensitive by not asking me, but it actually ticks me off.

When I found out about the rumours I was upset. Mostly because I know the people whispering about me are attaching all sorts of negative connotations to the news, and that ticks me off. But I have decided to let that go. I won't behave as if this is something I should be ashamed of. Because it isn't. And letting other people see me squirm around the issue only validates their bigoted opinions.

And while it can be painful for us to stand tall, and be out and proud, if doing so, if being one more positive role model can help prevent even one teen struggling with their sexual identity from killing themself, then any pain of coming out publicly will be worth it.

Maybe I will make an "It Gets Better" video.

PS. I got tumblr. You can find me here.

Your God sure is fickle.

Lots of my readers are in the states, so I will start this post with a bit of context. One of the biggest news stories in Canada this past week was about a little boy, Kienan, who went missing, presumably kidnapped, and was found a few days later. Here is a link if you are interested in reading more.

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/TopStoriesV2/20110912/kienan-hebert-hopley-sought-111209/

When Kienan was found, my facebook was swamped with messages about how God and prayer saved this boy. How thankful to God they are the boy is okay. And how the whole experience has reaffirmed their faith.

And while I said nothing on facebook, as I don't want to offend any of my friends and family, I feel the need to say that God is not responsible.

So many people sat by and watched the news, praying for a good outcome. Others got involved. Media worked together to spread a message to the kidnapper, begging him to return this boy. And he did. But to give the credit to God ignores those who actually worked and are responsible for his return, and allows those who just prayed to pat themselves on the back for "helping", helping convince God to save this boy.

But what about all the other kids that go missing and are never found. Does God love them less? Did they not have enough people praying? Or were they not praying faithfully enough?

Of course not. Every family prays for the return of their child, so why does "God" answer some prayers but not others? The only answer that makes sense to me, is that God doesn't answer any. So when kids are returned, it may still be a miracle, but it is a miracle of hard work, good luck, and in this case, the remorse of the kidnapper.

So quit feeling proud that your prayers helped save this boy. Because prayer had nothing to do with it.

and I'm surrounded by bigots.

When I planned this post it was going to be one in which I listed some of the ignorant things my parents have said, but while being thankful that at least they are trying to be understanding.

The events of this morning however have changed my mood, and that is probably going to come out in this post.

In the past I could see my parents try to see the world as I do, while struggling with their own belief systems. The simple fact is that my mere existence is contrary to their world view, where everyone gets married to someone of the opposite gender, and then goes on to live in a hetero normative, patriarchal, white-supremacist heaven.

My mom told one of my sisters, (the youngest one, who is living with her boyfriend. This is the one who is least loyal to my parents beliefs, and sees the world more like I do, so it was a bad decision on my Mom's part) that she hoped that one day I would settle down with some female friend of my mine, and we could adopt kids together. We wouldn't get married or have kids, just form so sort new agey alternative family unit. Except the reason that she wants this for me is because the idea of me marrying a gay man, and having gay sex and raising some sort of gay family is very upsetting to her. So somehow this other option is better. Despite the fact that in order for it to work I have to find a friend who would rather be my asexual roommate, than find a family of her own. My sister wasn't supposed to tell me what my mom said, but of course she did. :)

I was talking with my Dad a while back, I can't remember about exactly what, but it had something to do with minorities, and rights, and eventually I said something like, well being gay I have learned what it is like to a be a minority, so I am on their side, or something. And he said, "Well I hope you don't always see the world through a gay lense." And he couldn't see the problem with what he said. I tried to explain. "Dad, would ever tell a black woman to stop seeing the world through a black lense, or a female lense?"

His reply, "Of course. We should all just see the world the same. So we are equal."

While the sentiment behind that was nice, what he really meant was that they should all see the world the way he does. Which is easy for him, because with the exception of being mormon, he has never had to be in a position of a minority. And being a mormon doesn't bar him from being treated like everyone else. I explained to him that being gay, there will always be people who will try to keep rights from me, and there will always be people who will keep me at arms length, for fear of catching 'the gay' or some reason as equally ridiculous.

He let it go, but I still don't think he got it. And now I'm not sure why I am trying, because this morning I realized he is one of those people.

His friend came over while he was out doing some errands. I told him about the letter I got published in my local newspaper. It was about crime, and stating that the criminal justice reforms that Canada's Prime Minister is pushing for are unnecessary as we are currently at a 40 year crime low. This got me and my dad's friend talking about politics. He is clearly more right wing than I am, and when my dad got home we were still discussing stuff. I kept things civil, even as he made ridiculous claims that he couldn't back up... but then the topic of marriage equality came up.

And my Dad's friend said he thought it was wrong that the state is pushing things on him to appease 3% percent of the population, a number he just made up. I asked him exactly what things had been pushed on him since gay marriage had become legal five years ago. He couldn't list any.

"But that isn't the point. The point is that most of the country doesn't want this."

Me: "Well the statistics says that most of the country supports this."

Dad's friend: "Well You can't believe statistics. They can say whatever they want.

Me: I agree there is some truth to that, but you have nothing but your own opinion. I at least have a federal opinion poll.

Dad' friend: But we can't be sure who is right.

Really? You think your opinion is as valid as a federally conducted study. You are a fool. But then my dad got involved, explaining what allowing gay marriage has done to him.

Dad: Well, it confuses my definition of marriage as a God sanctioned commitment between man and a women. Marriage has always been religious, since Adam and Eve.

I didn't mention that there is no account of a marriage ceremony in Genesis, just two of God's creations fucking like the rest of his animals to make babies. I did say, "That is a religious argument. An Athiest would say that humans have been pairing off since before man invented religion."

Dad: God gave it to Adam and Eve.

Me: That is a religious argument.

It boiled down to that my Dad, and his friend believed that Gay people could have a civil union, but not a marriage, because Marriage is religious. I asked my dad if it bothered him when Atheists got married. It didn't. As long as they were a man and a woman. Because God said man and woman. I didn't ask for a source, but the bible and all of our scriptures are pretty quiet on the subject, and what is there is open to interpretation. All we have is from the same group of men that told us that masturbation makes you gay, and that black people can neither have the priesthood, nor as a result, be sealed in the temple.

My dad was worried that the government would force religious groups to marry gay people. I had to explain that if a group wasn't taking government funds, or special tax breaks, the government can't force them to do anything. Besides which the right to practice your religion as you choose is protected by our constitution, as is my right to not be discriminated against based on my sexual orientation.

I pointed out that civil unions don't get the same right as a marriage, and they said that they would be fine if they did. I pointed it out it would be crazy for the government to have two different classifications that are exactly the same except that they have different names.

Dad: But they aren't the same.

Me: Then that is not equality.

Dad: God said what marriage is!

Me: God doesn't get a vote! Church and State are separate for a reason!

I had previously explained that marriage stopped being religious a long time ago. The only people involved are the two people getting married, and the government official signing the marriage license. Despite this they kept circling back to the same arguments. I got angry and was leaving, and said "What matters is that you get to marry whoever you want-"

Dad: Any woman!

Me: Which is all you want! And you don't think I should be allowed the same right.

Dad: You can marry any woman too.

And then I stormed off. Dad's friend didn't know I was gay, but after my last comment, and about how passionately I argued, I am sure he does now.

I am trying to patient with my parents, especially my dad. My mom for the most part is accepting, although I think she has some of the same opinions as my dad. She admits the church's treatment is wrong, and our place in the church should not be to stay invisible, but it is frustrating trying to be patient with them.

My dad's friend compared gay's getting married to the Man Boy Love Association. Like by stopping gay marriage they were preventing some sort of moral decline. In twenty years the world will probably accept them. I pointed out that 40 years ago we were fighting to approve interracial marriage, something the church was absolutely against. They said see, and that shows that the morals are changing.

They didn't get the fact that the morals seem to be changing for good, and they were trying to use the logical fallacy of a slippery slope argument to denigrate gay marriage. The whole thing pissed me off. And maybe my parents will come around. But I am not sure if they will. They are okay with me being gay, but they don't want to hear about me getting married, or actually you know, loving another man, because that is wrong. I can be gay as long as I don't act on it.

I guess all I can do is hope for the best, while preparing for the worst...

Also, for the record, I hate the term gay marriage. It only others it, making it sound different, when all we want is what everyone else already has, and gay marriage is exactly like straight marriage, except for who is doing it. I much prefer the term marriage equality. Much less connotative.

Anyways, I am done ranting now. My anger is diffused for the moment. Writing this blog is a good way to deal with my feelings. But while my hot anger is gone, it has been replaced by the dim buzz of the frustration of futility.

And this is why I can't go to church.

So I went to church last week. Sorta. Not to the full three hours. I'm not sure I could have done that. I was late so I sat in the hall for sacrament meeting. One of my friends, who I had recently come out to showed up, so I talked to him. Like me he does not believe in the church, and not really in God either, but he just got engaged to a true believing mormon girl, so he goes to keep her happy.

We talked about what coming out meant for me, how it explained some of questions and opinions I had. He told me he has always sorta guessed that I was.

When it was time for Sunday school we went outside to keep talking. I haven't gone to Sunday school for 6 months and I wasn't about to break that now. Sunday school I find especially hard to sit through. I hate hearing the naive answers to questions. I hate hearing that if we just read our scriptures and say our prayers how God will make sure everything works out for us. Because it just isn't true. A friend recently posted on her Tumblr account, referring to those who were praying for the riots in London to stop, "Don't pray, think." And I love that. I feel that when we prayer for a solution it makes us complacent. Now we can sit back and watch what God does. It is never the prayer-sayers who find solutions. They watch while the thinkers solve the problem.

My friend was able to convince me to come with him to Elders Quorum. So I did. And guess what the lesson was on...

Eternal marriage.

I sat in silence as the teacher explained that Adam and Eve was the first marriage, and that God created Adam, and then realized that it was not right for man to be alone, so he created Eve.

That idea is horribly offensive to me. First because it makes God look like an idiot, creating all the animals in pairs, and then not thinking to do it for man, until he realized how lonely he would be. And second it teaches that women were not put here for their own benefit for mans. A typical white straight male attitude. Never having to question that they are the most important person in their world. I should have said something out loud. Instead I just muttered my complaints to my friend.

The whole lesson only focused on why we need to get married, and why marriage is good for us. Despite the LGBTQ community gaining more visibility, even in the church, it was never even brought up what those who don't fit into the mormon mold are supposed to do. Now it is a YSA ward, and the teacher may not have been properly equipped to deal with those questions, but I am tired of being whitewashed into the background. There is no place at church for me. It is for people who fit the mold, and want what the church wants them to want. They don't want to even acknowledge my existence.

I whispered to my friend that he should raise his hand and say "Statistically speaking, there are probably three gay people in this room. What are they supposed to do with this lesson?" He told me who would if I wanted, but I told him no. I am still worried about people at church finding out. I don't want to be the person everyone is talking about. But in a month or so I think I will be totally out, and then when I am at church I can make statements like that. Except I can say "what am I supposed to do?" and watch the teachers stumble over what they know is the church sanctioned answer because they know how unpleasant it is, and they know who I am. It is easy to condemn an unknown other to a life of shame and loneliness, but to do it to someone you know, a friend, is very different.

I might go back next month. We will see. My ward is removing all the inactive members, and putting them in the family ward, so I might go just often enough to keep my records in the YSA ward. But I'm not sure if it is that important to me anymore. I do like watching members try ti reconcile me with their own beliefs though.

When I got home I talked to my Dad about the lesson. Turns out he taught it in his ward. My parents asked if I had gone to church. I nodded but didn't say anything. They didn't ask questions, probably because they knew this lesson would be distasteful to me. They probably wish I had gone to church a different week. I asked my Dad about it later.

I said that it bothered me because it didn't even acknowledge my existence, and that it didn't provide a path for me. And he said, "but you know what the church's path for you is. You just have to decide if you are willing to do that."

It made me a little sad to hear him say that, because underneath the words he said I could hear him say, "And I think the church the is right, so that is also the path I see for you."

My parents try to be supportive, and encouraging, but they still believe what they believe. And they believe that me choosing to embrace this is wrong. I keep having dreams where I explain to them I am going to get married, and I am not going to be celibate. Usually fighting ensues. I'm not sure what will happen when I actually introduce them to a boyfriend. It will definitely force them to analyze what they feel, instead of walking this line between supporting the church and supporting me.

Almost Out

It has been a few weeks since I have written anything here, but a lot has happened in those few weeks. Yesterday I came out to my last sister. I am now out to my entire immediate family. The reactions varied quite a bit.

My eldest sister, who has five kids, and whose husband is currently a bishop reacted in a manner that is probably typical of her position. My views on the church, and on what my path would be from here on out were not what she wants for me. She feels that I should stay in the church, and follow the church`s guidance. I maintain that I know that not everything the church says on the subject is good or true, and that without a personal witness, which I have never received, I am not willing to do what other people tell me God wants me to do. She isn't sure that I should adopt kids when I eventually get married, because there are things a man can't give a child, and that we will be lacking as parents. If i do that I need to make sure my kids get to know my sisters so that they can give them what I can't. I told her that it is that kind of thinking I need to protect my family from.

My next sister, who is also married, and has a couple kids, told me that she has guessed that I was gay since I was 14. She tried to be encouraging and supportive, but she still feels I should stay in the church. But she will be supportive of whatever life I choose. She told me that the rest of the family is always going to view me as a missionary project. She said that she won't, but that she will accept me as I am, and accept that my life makes me happy, but only on the condition that I don't try to damage her testimony by exposing her to 'Anti' ideas. I agreed to that, as it is fair to me, but said that doesn't mean I will be silent on the issue. If the family is having a religious conversation I won't stay silent for her sake. She said that that is fair.

My next sister, the one just older than me, who is married, but her husband has a daughter from a previous marriage, was surprised, even shocked, for just a moment, and immediately calmed down, and sorta said, well that makes sense. We talked about it for a while, and she told me that the more we discuss it, the more it makes her question things the church has said. She has never had to ask the right questions before, because she has no personal contact with any other out gay people. She doesn't have the same attachment to the church that the first two, so she was able to be more open. She even offered to potentially be a surrogate when I have kids, depending on what her life is like then. Not sure if that will ever happen or not, but for her to say that meant a lot.

My last sister, the youngest one, younger than I am, I already mentioned. She is living with her boyfriend, and is inactive, and she was excited for me. We didn't need to have a talk. She just said that she was excited for me. We have talked much more since then though. She has her own questions with the church, obviously, and so I tell her my views quite frequently.

Now these are summaries of two hour conversations, but while not everyone reacted exactly as I wanted, they all reacted much better than I expected, which is great. I also told them all that they could tell their husbands if they want, and so all my brothers in law know now too. It will be interesting to see what happens when we start telling the nieces and nephews. Most of my sisters already said that they should know, and that it shouldn't be a secret, but Sister Bishops Wife might be hesitant to go down that path. I'm not sure how she will react when I explain it to her kids. But I am not going to be silent for her, so that she can tell her kids why what I am choosing is bad. I will tell them why I think it is right.

I have told a few cousins, and most of my close friends now too. Everyone I have told so far, I have told to keep it quiet, because there are still people who I want to make sure here it from me, and not from someone else. But by the end of the summer I think I will be comfortable being totally out, and it won't be a secret at all any more. And that sure is exciting to me. Not all of my friends have been super supportive, and one reacted a little more strongly than Sister Bishop's Wife, but no one has disowned me over it yet.

My parents still make... uh... interesting... comments occasionally, but they are trying, and so I try to be patient with them. After all this is still new to them, and I have been dealing with it for years. It is amazing to compare where I am now, to where I was a year ago. Last year at this time I was just coming out to my first friend, but I couldn't bring myself to self-identify as gay, so I told him I was bi. And I was doing in an effort to change, as part of step 5 in the church's 12 step addiction recovery program. In my mind then I was an addict. But being able to tell one friend, and him not really caring, and being supportive, has helped lead me to where I am now. So if for nothing else, I can thank the church for encouraging me to confess to a friend, because it gave me the courage to come out.

And to my new subscribers, welcome. Thanks for following. I started this blog in the hopes that I could help people who were struggling the same way I am. And while my definition of 'help' has changed, my goal has not. It is exciting to know that people are actually reading what I write. It encourages me to keep writing, something which I find very therapeutic, as well a great replacement to journaling. It won't be as long a wait until my next post. Promise.

That Was Easier Than Expected

When I woke up yesterday I had no intention of telling my parents where I stand with the church, or about being gay. But when the opportunity came up I took it.

In the morning my mom came and talked with me. About nothing in particular at first, but then she told me that she sometimes got the impression that I only went to church to keep her and dad happy. The comment surprised. I knew I wasn't exactly subtle with my disagreements with some of the stuff the church does, but I wasn't expecting to have this conversation. I wasn't going to lie though, not when I was asked in such a point blank way. So I admitted that she was right.

We had a long discussion about the church. My dad joined in after a little bit. I talked about how I don't think the prophets are always right, and I disagree with the common church mentality of "follow the prophet" even if you know what he is saying is wrong, because you will be blessed for it. I talked about the early church, and how I don't agree that God had anything to do with withholding the priesthood from black men. That is was just a race issue. And I pointed out that that does not mean the church isn't true, but I feel that the church should fess up to it's mistakes, not hide from them, or edit the history to look better than it is. The church teaches to confess and forsake your sins, but the organization of the church is bad at practicing what it preaches.

I also told them that I had never received an answer. That when I was a deacon I "received revelation" that I was going to be the deacon's quorum president. But I wasn't. So from that I learned i could trick myself into feeling things that weren't there. So I decided that all my answers needed to be concrete. And I let myself believe in the church without an answer for a long time, but one day I decided I couldn't anymore. And I started asking questions, questions no one could answer...

My parents told me they also had problems with the church. I asked for some examples. My mom said homosexuality. A few weeks ago I brought up with my mom a friend who was engaged to her partner. I told my mom about it, and she was excited, until she realized it was a lesbian couple. I did it to test the waters with my parents. I have occasionally exposed them to ideas that might upset their way of thinking to see if they are capable of changing their views. And I guess this was working better than I thought it did. My mom said that when I brought up my friend who was engaged it got her thinking about how hard it must be for gay people in the church. There just isn't a place for them.

We talked about that for a bit, and that is when I knew that this would probably be the best opportunity I would have to come out to my parents. I told them. Neither was surprised. They had been wondering for a bit, mostly because of the way I kept bringing stuff up to see what they thought. They were glad I did that though, as it gave them time to reevaluate some of their values before they talked through things with me.

I told them what my life had been like up until recently. Feeling like I had two complete identities living inside me, that hated each other. I said I would wake up and hate myself, and feel like God hated me for who I was, even though I couldn't change. But in the last year, as I came to terms with myself I finally have been happy. Postive. Not just occasionally. When I am so engaged in something that I can forget myself, but all the time.

They had questions, which I did my best to answer. I reflected back on the time that dad was asking how I would teach my kids about this. I told them that what I wanted to say back then was "Well, it'll be easy. My kids will have two dads." My parents smiled at that. That i still wanted a family.

They asked me to see a mormon psychologist. I told them that I would think about it, but that I can't go back to hating myself, to trying to change. They said they didn't expect that, but that they thought it would help. That the person they went to for couples counseling sometimes would be able to help me. I told them maybe, but it isn't real likely. I don't feel like I need help. I am well adjusted and comfortable with who I am. And I don't want to make them pay for that, when I am not going to get anything out of it.

I asked how they would feel if I came out publicly. They said that it was my decision, and they wouldn't try to stop me, but that I should try praying again first. My mom pointed out the church says it is okay to be gay, you just can't act on it. I rephrased it. "You can be gay. You just can't be gay." To point out the hypocrisy. The church doesn't mind who I am, as long as I keep it quiet, stay in the closet. My mom didn't quite get it at first, but Dad did. I said I wouldn't do that. That I plan to be out, and I plan to be a positive role model when I get famous writing *crosses fingers*.

I said that what the church asks, when it comes to being alone, and celibate, is too much. That I won't do that. They said I could have a family, a partner, and kids. I just have to stay celibate. I didn't fight them on that, even though I think that is a crazy idea. And if I am civilly married the church shouldn't care what we do (not that I care what the church thinks anyways, but my parents do).

I asked my parents how they would feel if I stopped going to church. They said they guess they would understood, they can see how it would be hard for me to go, especially in a YSA ward, but they would appreciate it if I go to at least sacrament meeting. So that is what I will do for now. They really want me to have a testimony. I told them I could consider trying again to get an answer, but even if i get an answer about the gospel, I have no desire to support the church that hates me. I won't attend in the future. There is no place for me there. I would reconsider when the church does. Although I can't see myself ever going back. I am not a big fan of religion. period.

We got back to talking about the follow the prophet thing. My parents said that they have never felt that the churches teaches to follow the prophet even if he is wrong but that the prophet will never lead people astray. So I brought up the churchs earlier stance on homosexuality. On their support for mixed orientation marriages, and the push to just get all the gay people married, and then they will be cured.

My mom agreed that this was wrong, but my dad said that it was just an opinion. I said that that is true, but the church's push for this was leading people astray, that it hurt many families. And pointed out that this isn't the only time in the church's history where individuals or groups have been led astray or hurt by the church. My parents reluctantly agreed. I explained that I will never follow blindly. When any church leader, the prophet included, says something that I think isn't true I will call them on it. And that I think lot's of the rules the church stands behind, no earrings for men, one for women, the whole idea about maintaining a conservative appearance, has nothing to do with God, and concrete truths. The old prophets had beards, but now bearded men can't work in the temple. This is the church acting like the pharisees that Christ rebuked. They built a law around the law, especially in regards to the sabbath, and Christ was against this. I told my parents that when and if Christ does return he won't be saying that there are many who draw near unto him with their lips, but in their hearts are far from Him, just about other churches. It will apply to our church too, and even to many church leaders.

I told them some of the things Packer has said, and how it is hard for me to have anything but hate for him. I explained that I think that most of what the church teaches on the subject currently has very little to do with God, and more to do with ideals of the culture the qourum of the twelve grew up in. I said I wouldn't hold myself to the things they have said, because I do not think they are of God. And since God has been silent, it is up to me to do what I think is right.

They reluctantly agreed again. We left things there. Their response isn't perfect, but it was far better than I could have expected. I will try to keep helping them reshape things, and be more understanding as time goes on. We will see how they react when I stop censoring myself. When I tell them about guys in the ward I find attractive. I won't be doing that any time soon though. Got to let them slowly adjust.

So know one sister, and my parents know. Just three sisters left. We will see how it goes. The most difficult conversation will be with my oldest sister, whose husband is a bishop. She is the one most likely to try to save me, and try to show me how God can "cure" me. But we will see. I will probably tell her last.

and I'm back on the dating scene.

I have a lot to say today. But in order to keep things focused, I am breaking it up into two blog posts. So here goes...

Last weekend I went to a mormon wedding reception. Which was interesting, but mostly uneventful. However my "anti" friend introduced me to some of his family, who are also ex-mormons. Some very interesting conversation, nothing noteworthy though. Except for his gay cousin.

He was open about being gay, so I knew right away. But eventually the two of us were talking alone, about lot's of things. Identity mostly, how it affects people as they come out, how it affects groups within the gay community, and how problematic all the infighting in the community is. We need to show a united front to the world, and stop throwing labels and insults at people. After we got more specific, and i was still following and understanding the conversation it was pretty clear I was gay, although he might have guessed even earlier. I told him, and he said I figured.

He may have been into me, and he started asking me more personal questions, but I didn't feel comfortable talking there where there were still many people I wasn't out to. But I was comfortable enough with who I was to be honest with an almost complete stranger. So that was a big step.

But even bigger are the two dates I went on last week. Well one more than the other, but I will get there.

So a nice mormon girl asked me to go to a movie with her. I am not sure if it was a date or not. We both payed for our own tickets, but she didn't invite anyone else. And she keeps chatting with me on facebook. And I am not sure how to shut her down without hurting her feelings, without coming out. But I don't want to lead her on either. And she is little too 'religion'y for me to be comfortable outing myself to her just yet. We will see how that goes. Hopefully she will see there is no chemistry, and things will solve themselves... or maybe not. Because there are some straight girls that I have great chemistry with...

But even bigger is the date I went on yesterday. It was with a guy I met online. He is older than me... a little... like 10 years... And I am not sure how I feel about that yet. But I am taking it one step at a time. We had tried to meet a few days in a row, and one of us kept having to back out or reschedule, but he seemed really patient with me. And he was cool that I wasn't experienced, and he was willing to take things at my pace. I have chatted with lots of guys, but very few have been as patient, or seemed as responsible. Plus we realized we had a lot in common even before we met. We like similar books, TV shows, movies, music. So all that made it a little easier to go see him.

But I still felt terrified going to his apartment to meet him. I had gotten this far with another guy I used to chat with, and then chickened out. I didn't want to do that again. I needed to move forward. So up I went.

And it was great. We started out by just chatting on his balcony. Even though we have many similar views, we have very different backgrounds. But we talked for a while, and it was very enjoyable. We have similar values, and very similar personalities. We are both the guy that loves to debate with people, and if everyone around us agrees then we might have to play devil's advocate.

We went on a walk, and kept talking. Got to know each other. The thought briefly entered my mind that he was taking me into the woods to rape and murder me. But he didn't, so that was great.

When we got back, I think he wanted to move things to the bedroom, but he didn't want to push me. He asked what I wanted to do, and I said we could watch some TV, so we watched the first few episodes of Modern Family. Which I enjoyed. Great show. And the cuddling on the couch was great too. I have waited so long for just that. And it didn't disappoint.

Eventually my friend from out of town texted me and said we should go for dinner. He, the guy I met, (I guess he needs a pseudonym, how about Rob) also had a friend call, so I leaned forward and said I should go soon. We had already been talking and stuff for 3 or 4 hours. He agreed, but started rubbing my back. He kept asking if I was OK, how I was feeling, if I was comfortable, so I trusted him. So when he leaned in to kiss me I let him. And then we went a little further, and a little further after that, and well the rest is pretty personal, but I am sure you can guess the gist.

But it was a huge step forward for me, and I have made a new friend. Perhaps something more will come of it. We will have to see.

And the two dates definitely felt very different. One I was awkward and uncomfortable, the other, I was nervous, but excited, and completely enjoyed myself. I can't wait to do it again.

and I'm waiting for a new attitude.

I mentioned in my last post that I recently came out to one of my sisters. She said something when I did that was new to me. She said that she was excited for me. Excited, and that she was sorry that we had a sucky family. I came out to one of my cousins on Sunday. She said something similar. She was excited, and happy for me.

This was a big change from other reactions I have received. The first person I came out to was supportive, but still saw it through the lens he had been given by his family, and the church. So while he was supportive, he still saw it as something to deal with. A problem, a struggle. To be fair I did at the time too, and my attitude may have colored his reaction. The next person I told was an ex-girlfriend, who I am now very close with. She was supportive, but I think also a little hurt, because of all the time I had spent lying to her and me about who I was. Our history changed the way she reacted.

But with my sister, and my cousin, there was genuine excitement. While I have been waiting, and wanting to come out for a while, I still have this fear, from thinking that coming out is getting something off my chest, some horrible secret. And while I am looking forward to the excitement of being able to be honest, and live the life I want, the dark cloud has overhung that. But when my sister and cousin were excited for me it showed me that what I have been looking at as something shameful and scary, could, and should be something exciting.

I still need to be careful, and proceed with caution. Most of my family won't see it the way my younger sister, and cousin did, but now I can see that there will be people who can be excited for me, and happy for me. And more importantly that I can be excited and happy about this, instead of dreading it.

And I wish you could see it my way...

I just had a very interesting talk with my father. My sister, who is married with five kids, called him and told him that he needs to be more careful with his media; get rid of R rated movies, not play M rated games, and that will help him. And then she said that my Dad should pass that info onto me as well.

So that got my dad and me talking about obedience, about what I call Blind Obedience. When people become so devoted to following someone else’s words, that they stop being agents, and merely become objects. I could do a whole post about just the stuff we said about filtering our media, but then we started talking about the renovation project in Salt Lake. I said that the way the church is spending money doesn’t always seem right.

I don’t know if you know about the church and this mall in downtown Salt Lake, but the rumours are that mall is costing the church upwards of 3 billion dollars. Some perspective; the tallest and most expensive buildings in the world have cost about 2 billion. For the price of this mall the church should be able to do a whole downtown core, and perhaps a large housing project. I won’t go into much more detail than that. If you want more info follow this link: http://truthmarche.wordpress.com/2010/10/25/church-finance-part-iv/

The point is that it seems that church invests tithing money and uses the capital for projects like this. I argued that the church should let more tithing stay in the wards where it was collected, where it can help communities. This would help the church look appealing to outsiders, as well the members could see their tithing bless others, which would make it easier to pay. WIN WIN.

Dad was worried thinking this way would affect my testimony. The truth is I don’t have one. Maybe the church is true, maybe it isn’t. I don’t care. I don’t feel a strong desire to be a part of it, except that leaving the church means leaving my family. What I told my dad was is that I can separate the church and the gospel, and I can separate the leaders of the church from that. They can make mistakes without it meaning the church isn’t true.

Then somehow prop 8 got brought up. Ok, I guess I don’t need to be coy; I brought prop 8. And I said the church shouldn’t have got so involved. And my dad and I argued in circles for almost two hours.

When my sister called my dad he pointed out that she should not be receiving revelation for him. I agreed, and that even if she did she should not say it like that. It is as arrogant and deluded as the men who introduce themselves to women and then tell them that had a revelation and they have to get married.

I pointed out to dad, that as much as he did not like my sister doing that to him, that is exactly what the church did to gay people everywhere when they got involved in prop 8. They announced to the world that they knew how to make all those disgusting gays happier; and how to give them a god that they did not want.

My dad said that ‘The Church’ had a right to do this, because they had a prophet. I pointed out to my dad that the brethren don’t agree on this issue, let alone have the ability to speak for the world on it. I pointed out that Packer said the church isn’t true if gays are born gay, and that Hinckley was humble enough to say that he didn’t know what made them gay, and then gave his opinion on what god wanted for them, for us, I don’t agree with Hinckely’s plan, and if that is what God wants, than I’m not interested in following. But I appreciate his honesty, and humility.

Dad told me not to worry about it to much, because it is only a small population. But it doesn’t matter how small a population it is, when I am part of it. This would have been a hell of a moment to come out. ;)

I reminded my dad of this poem

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.

And I said that the best plan would be for the Gays, and the Church, and all the other minorities who feel like their way of life is attacked every day should team up, and fight for the right for the self determination of all peoples.

My dad was not convinced, and had more rhetoric about how renaming marriage and changing marriage changed it. And how marriage was a religious covenant before it was a civil covenant. I asked why it didn’t bother him when atheist got married, and pointed out that atheists would argue that man invented marriage before they invented god. I told him that my priesthood didn’t become less valuable when they gave it to black men. I told my dad about a quote by C. S, Lewis that I found here http://scrumcentral.blogspot.com/2010/06/mormon-favorite-c-s-lewis-on-marriage.html

The quote encourages two marriages, one for religious people, and one for everyone else. I explained to my dad, that the church already makes this distinction between civil marriages, and temple marriages, so there is no reason not to extend civil marriage to anyone who wants, because it has no effect on temple marriages.

Finally my dad asked how I would teach this to my own children. I didn’t tell him that would be easy, because my kids will have two dads. I did tell him that if one day my daughter (I chose daughter, because I worried that if I used a scenario in which my son came out to me, my dad might put two and two together) tells me that she has a girlfriend, then I am not going to send her away, but I will tell her I am happy for her, and that I want to meet her. Because I know that the relationship with my children is more important to me than the church. My dad does not feel that way, because he has a different view of the church than I do. He said that was interesting. I told him that even President Hinckely said we should make sure our gay or otherwise struggling family members feel welcome. You can tell them what is the standard for your home, but first and foremost make them feel welcome. I don’t remember where or when he said, but I remember it, and that is why I will always respect Gordon B. Hinckely. My dad said that would be said to give up salvation for that though. I told dad that I don’t know that they would. I said that if the doctrine is that they, us gays, are going to be changed in the next life then maybe they could be allowed to live in their kind of family here, and to deal with it in the next life and still receive exaltation.

He told me not to let any of this effect my testimony, because he wants me to raise his grandchildren in the church, and he will be upset if I don’t. Too bad he doesn’t get a say.

But he also said something interesting. I told him that the church used lots of racist rhetoric to back up not giving blacks the priesthood, and I told him that this issue is my generations social rights issue. I said that one day the church will change how they handle gays, and my dad did agree with that, so I told him I am just waiting for it all to come out in the wash, and the church to decide what is true, and what isn’t.

He said then, for me to stay in the church. And to stay strong. That I should be a leader in the church. He said I might be right. He had never thought about the idea that maybe they could live one way here, and then deal with it in the next life and still be saved, and that I should be a leader and help change the church. He said that Harold B Lee had ideas the other apostles didn’t like, and it took until he was president until he could put them into action, but he did it. And I should be a leader, instead of sitting on the sidelines throwing stones.

It is a nice idea, but I will have to let someone else be that leader, because in order for me to do it I need to keep repressing who I am. Something I won’t do. But somehow this conversation let my dad realize that there are other possibilities. That maybe the way he has seen it all his life isn’t the only concrete truth. And while I am not ready to come out to my parents, it gives me a bit of hope that when I do, I can convince them to accept me, at least with time.

In other news, I came out to my other sister (not the one from above) my younger sister, who just moved out, and told me about her secret tattoos. She told me she was excited for me. Excited, and sad we live in a sucky family. She recognized my coming out as the happy and empowering occasion that coming out should be. So I’ve got that going for me. Too bad the whole family is turned against her right now, for moving in with her boyfriend, or I could use her as an ally in the family. But that is ok. For now it can us two, verse them, and we can keep sticking up for each other. It is nice to have at least one person I can trust in the family.

... and I'm ready for a new direction.

This blog is not the same as when it started, and I am not the same person who started it. When I started it, I was a Mormon, who believed he was struggling from some sort of sexual addiction or deviation, because I liked porn, and even worse, I liked gay porn. Since I have started this blog I have slowly come to terms with the fact that there is nothing wrong with me. I am who I am. And a part of that is being gay. I have left the church behind me. Now I'm an atheist. Except I'm not out, and I live with my very religious parents,so I keep pretending. Keep on going to church, and doing the other things that will make them happy, all the while depriving myself of the things I want. But hopefully, soon I will move out, then everything will change.

Because I don't want to do this anymore. I am ready to come out. I want to see who my true friends are, and who was just pretending. I want to see who in my family loves me, and who loves the person I was pretending to be. I want to see who in the church accepts me, and who tries to Save me.

But mostly, I just want to start living for me. I have spent the last 23 years living for other people; my parents, people in my church, and doing things that make them happy, but make me miserable. I don't- I can't do that anymore.

So I am trying to find a way to move out. So I can finally be me. So when my family goes nuts, I am not reliant on them, and I can retreat to my own place and leave the madness behind me.

and I am tired of being fed bullshit.

In the past few months I haven't read my scriptures, been to a recovery meeting, or even said more than the occasional prayer. I have participated in priesthood blessings, which technically I am not worthy for, but it didn't bother me in the least, and I have been looking at porn and jerking off almost daily.

And I have never felt better.

Let me answer the obvious questions. I am not in denial. I am not ignoring my problems. I really am doing just fine.

I think the answer to my problems is not changing myself, but changing my perceptions.

I have believed every thing my parents and church leaders have told me all my life, but I am finally waking up to fact that it is a load of crap. All the religious nonsense, and rigid moral platitudes are nothing more than tradition and hot air. I'm not an addict, I am a typical 23 year old. I am not a sinner, I am a man who thinks critically and always tries to do what he thinks is right.

I admit that I am not problem free. I am still struggling with my sexual identity, and with not believing in the God that my entire family believes in. Mormon isn't a religion that is the least bit casual, so leaving causes quite an upset. My dad once refused to let my cousin stay at our house because she refused to go to church, so telling my family about my atheistic awakening is not high on my to do list.

Maybe I will move out, maybe i will keep quiet until I finish school and then move out, maybe I will tell my family how I feel and hope for the best.

For now I will keep quiet and see how things go, play along. That won't last forever though. I have been starting to push the limits I have always accepted. Maybe soon I will get wasted and see what the appeal is. You know, usual university student stuff...