And this is why I can't go to church.

So I went to church last week. Sorta. Not to the full three hours. I'm not sure I could have done that. I was late so I sat in the hall for sacrament meeting. One of my friends, who I had recently come out to showed up, so I talked to him. Like me he does not believe in the church, and not really in God either, but he just got engaged to a true believing mormon girl, so he goes to keep her happy.

We talked about what coming out meant for me, how it explained some of questions and opinions I had. He told me he has always sorta guessed that I was.

When it was time for Sunday school we went outside to keep talking. I haven't gone to Sunday school for 6 months and I wasn't about to break that now. Sunday school I find especially hard to sit through. I hate hearing the naive answers to questions. I hate hearing that if we just read our scriptures and say our prayers how God will make sure everything works out for us. Because it just isn't true. A friend recently posted on her Tumblr account, referring to those who were praying for the riots in London to stop, "Don't pray, think." And I love that. I feel that when we prayer for a solution it makes us complacent. Now we can sit back and watch what God does. It is never the prayer-sayers who find solutions. They watch while the thinkers solve the problem.

My friend was able to convince me to come with him to Elders Quorum. So I did. And guess what the lesson was on...

Eternal marriage.

I sat in silence as the teacher explained that Adam and Eve was the first marriage, and that God created Adam, and then realized that it was not right for man to be alone, so he created Eve.

That idea is horribly offensive to me. First because it makes God look like an idiot, creating all the animals in pairs, and then not thinking to do it for man, until he realized how lonely he would be. And second it teaches that women were not put here for their own benefit for mans. A typical white straight male attitude. Never having to question that they are the most important person in their world. I should have said something out loud. Instead I just muttered my complaints to my friend.

The whole lesson only focused on why we need to get married, and why marriage is good for us. Despite the LGBTQ community gaining more visibility, even in the church, it was never even brought up what those who don't fit into the mormon mold are supposed to do. Now it is a YSA ward, and the teacher may not have been properly equipped to deal with those questions, but I am tired of being whitewashed into the background. There is no place at church for me. It is for people who fit the mold, and want what the church wants them to want. They don't want to even acknowledge my existence.

I whispered to my friend that he should raise his hand and say "Statistically speaking, there are probably three gay people in this room. What are they supposed to do with this lesson?" He told me who would if I wanted, but I told him no. I am still worried about people at church finding out. I don't want to be the person everyone is talking about. But in a month or so I think I will be totally out, and then when I am at church I can make statements like that. Except I can say "what am I supposed to do?" and watch the teachers stumble over what they know is the church sanctioned answer because they know how unpleasant it is, and they know who I am. It is easy to condemn an unknown other to a life of shame and loneliness, but to do it to someone you know, a friend, is very different.

I might go back next month. We will see. My ward is removing all the inactive members, and putting them in the family ward, so I might go just often enough to keep my records in the YSA ward. But I'm not sure if it is that important to me anymore. I do like watching members try ti reconcile me with their own beliefs though.

When I got home I talked to my Dad about the lesson. Turns out he taught it in his ward. My parents asked if I had gone to church. I nodded but didn't say anything. They didn't ask questions, probably because they knew this lesson would be distasteful to me. They probably wish I had gone to church a different week. I asked my Dad about it later.

I said that it bothered me because it didn't even acknowledge my existence, and that it didn't provide a path for me. And he said, "but you know what the church's path for you is. You just have to decide if you are willing to do that."

It made me a little sad to hear him say that, because underneath the words he said I could hear him say, "And I think the church the is right, so that is also the path I see for you."

My parents try to be supportive, and encouraging, but they still believe what they believe. And they believe that me choosing to embrace this is wrong. I keep having dreams where I explain to them I am going to get married, and I am not going to be celibate. Usually fighting ensues. I'm not sure what will happen when I actually introduce them to a boyfriend. It will definitely force them to analyze what they feel, instead of walking this line between supporting the church and supporting me.

And I wish you could see it my way...

I just had a very interesting talk with my father. My sister, who is married with five kids, called him and told him that he needs to be more careful with his media; get rid of R rated movies, not play M rated games, and that will help him. And then she said that my Dad should pass that info onto me as well.

So that got my dad and me talking about obedience, about what I call Blind Obedience. When people become so devoted to following someone else’s words, that they stop being agents, and merely become objects. I could do a whole post about just the stuff we said about filtering our media, but then we started talking about the renovation project in Salt Lake. I said that the way the church is spending money doesn’t always seem right.

I don’t know if you know about the church and this mall in downtown Salt Lake, but the rumours are that mall is costing the church upwards of 3 billion dollars. Some perspective; the tallest and most expensive buildings in the world have cost about 2 billion. For the price of this mall the church should be able to do a whole downtown core, and perhaps a large housing project. I won’t go into much more detail than that. If you want more info follow this link: http://truthmarche.wordpress.com/2010/10/25/church-finance-part-iv/

The point is that it seems that church invests tithing money and uses the capital for projects like this. I argued that the church should let more tithing stay in the wards where it was collected, where it can help communities. This would help the church look appealing to outsiders, as well the members could see their tithing bless others, which would make it easier to pay. WIN WIN.

Dad was worried thinking this way would affect my testimony. The truth is I don’t have one. Maybe the church is true, maybe it isn’t. I don’t care. I don’t feel a strong desire to be a part of it, except that leaving the church means leaving my family. What I told my dad was is that I can separate the church and the gospel, and I can separate the leaders of the church from that. They can make mistakes without it meaning the church isn’t true.

Then somehow prop 8 got brought up. Ok, I guess I don’t need to be coy; I brought prop 8. And I said the church shouldn’t have got so involved. And my dad and I argued in circles for almost two hours.

When my sister called my dad he pointed out that she should not be receiving revelation for him. I agreed, and that even if she did she should not say it like that. It is as arrogant and deluded as the men who introduce themselves to women and then tell them that had a revelation and they have to get married.

I pointed out to dad, that as much as he did not like my sister doing that to him, that is exactly what the church did to gay people everywhere when they got involved in prop 8. They announced to the world that they knew how to make all those disgusting gays happier; and how to give them a god that they did not want.

My dad said that ‘The Church’ had a right to do this, because they had a prophet. I pointed out to my dad that the brethren don’t agree on this issue, let alone have the ability to speak for the world on it. I pointed out that Packer said the church isn’t true if gays are born gay, and that Hinckley was humble enough to say that he didn’t know what made them gay, and then gave his opinion on what god wanted for them, for us, I don’t agree with Hinckely’s plan, and if that is what God wants, than I’m not interested in following. But I appreciate his honesty, and humility.

Dad told me not to worry about it to much, because it is only a small population. But it doesn’t matter how small a population it is, when I am part of it. This would have been a hell of a moment to come out. ;)

I reminded my dad of this poem

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.

And I said that the best plan would be for the Gays, and the Church, and all the other minorities who feel like their way of life is attacked every day should team up, and fight for the right for the self determination of all peoples.

My dad was not convinced, and had more rhetoric about how renaming marriage and changing marriage changed it. And how marriage was a religious covenant before it was a civil covenant. I asked why it didn’t bother him when atheist got married, and pointed out that atheists would argue that man invented marriage before they invented god. I told him that my priesthood didn’t become less valuable when they gave it to black men. I told my dad about a quote by C. S, Lewis that I found here http://scrumcentral.blogspot.com/2010/06/mormon-favorite-c-s-lewis-on-marriage.html

The quote encourages two marriages, one for religious people, and one for everyone else. I explained to my dad, that the church already makes this distinction between civil marriages, and temple marriages, so there is no reason not to extend civil marriage to anyone who wants, because it has no effect on temple marriages.

Finally my dad asked how I would teach this to my own children. I didn’t tell him that would be easy, because my kids will have two dads. I did tell him that if one day my daughter (I chose daughter, because I worried that if I used a scenario in which my son came out to me, my dad might put two and two together) tells me that she has a girlfriend, then I am not going to send her away, but I will tell her I am happy for her, and that I want to meet her. Because I know that the relationship with my children is more important to me than the church. My dad does not feel that way, because he has a different view of the church than I do. He said that was interesting. I told him that even President Hinckely said we should make sure our gay or otherwise struggling family members feel welcome. You can tell them what is the standard for your home, but first and foremost make them feel welcome. I don’t remember where or when he said, but I remember it, and that is why I will always respect Gordon B. Hinckely. My dad said that would be said to give up salvation for that though. I told dad that I don’t know that they would. I said that if the doctrine is that they, us gays, are going to be changed in the next life then maybe they could be allowed to live in their kind of family here, and to deal with it in the next life and still receive exaltation.

He told me not to let any of this effect my testimony, because he wants me to raise his grandchildren in the church, and he will be upset if I don’t. Too bad he doesn’t get a say.

But he also said something interesting. I told him that the church used lots of racist rhetoric to back up not giving blacks the priesthood, and I told him that this issue is my generations social rights issue. I said that one day the church will change how they handle gays, and my dad did agree with that, so I told him I am just waiting for it all to come out in the wash, and the church to decide what is true, and what isn’t.

He said then, for me to stay in the church. And to stay strong. That I should be a leader in the church. He said I might be right. He had never thought about the idea that maybe they could live one way here, and then deal with it in the next life and still be saved, and that I should be a leader and help change the church. He said that Harold B Lee had ideas the other apostles didn’t like, and it took until he was president until he could put them into action, but he did it. And I should be a leader, instead of sitting on the sidelines throwing stones.

It is a nice idea, but I will have to let someone else be that leader, because in order for me to do it I need to keep repressing who I am. Something I won’t do. But somehow this conversation let my dad realize that there are other possibilities. That maybe the way he has seen it all his life isn’t the only concrete truth. And while I am not ready to come out to my parents, it gives me a bit of hope that when I do, I can convince them to accept me, at least with time.

In other news, I came out to my other sister (not the one from above) my younger sister, who just moved out, and told me about her secret tattoos. She told me she was excited for me. Excited, and sad we live in a sucky family. She recognized my coming out as the happy and empowering occasion that coming out should be. So I’ve got that going for me. Too bad the whole family is turned against her right now, for moving in with her boyfriend, or I could use her as an ally in the family. But that is ok. For now it can us two, verse them, and we can keep sticking up for each other. It is nice to have at least one person I can trust in the family.