and I'm surrounded by bigots.

When I planned this post it was going to be one in which I listed some of the ignorant things my parents have said, but while being thankful that at least they are trying to be understanding.

The events of this morning however have changed my mood, and that is probably going to come out in this post.

In the past I could see my parents try to see the world as I do, while struggling with their own belief systems. The simple fact is that my mere existence is contrary to their world view, where everyone gets married to someone of the opposite gender, and then goes on to live in a hetero normative, patriarchal, white-supremacist heaven.

My mom told one of my sisters, (the youngest one, who is living with her boyfriend. This is the one who is least loyal to my parents beliefs, and sees the world more like I do, so it was a bad decision on my Mom's part) that she hoped that one day I would settle down with some female friend of my mine, and we could adopt kids together. We wouldn't get married or have kids, just form so sort new agey alternative family unit. Except the reason that she wants this for me is because the idea of me marrying a gay man, and having gay sex and raising some sort of gay family is very upsetting to her. So somehow this other option is better. Despite the fact that in order for it to work I have to find a friend who would rather be my asexual roommate, than find a family of her own. My sister wasn't supposed to tell me what my mom said, but of course she did. :)

I was talking with my Dad a while back, I can't remember about exactly what, but it had something to do with minorities, and rights, and eventually I said something like, well being gay I have learned what it is like to a be a minority, so I am on their side, or something. And he said, "Well I hope you don't always see the world through a gay lense." And he couldn't see the problem with what he said. I tried to explain. "Dad, would ever tell a black woman to stop seeing the world through a black lense, or a female lense?"

His reply, "Of course. We should all just see the world the same. So we are equal."

While the sentiment behind that was nice, what he really meant was that they should all see the world the way he does. Which is easy for him, because with the exception of being mormon, he has never had to be in a position of a minority. And being a mormon doesn't bar him from being treated like everyone else. I explained to him that being gay, there will always be people who will try to keep rights from me, and there will always be people who will keep me at arms length, for fear of catching 'the gay' or some reason as equally ridiculous.

He let it go, but I still don't think he got it. And now I'm not sure why I am trying, because this morning I realized he is one of those people.

His friend came over while he was out doing some errands. I told him about the letter I got published in my local newspaper. It was about crime, and stating that the criminal justice reforms that Canada's Prime Minister is pushing for are unnecessary as we are currently at a 40 year crime low. This got me and my dad's friend talking about politics. He is clearly more right wing than I am, and when my dad got home we were still discussing stuff. I kept things civil, even as he made ridiculous claims that he couldn't back up... but then the topic of marriage equality came up.

And my Dad's friend said he thought it was wrong that the state is pushing things on him to appease 3% percent of the population, a number he just made up. I asked him exactly what things had been pushed on him since gay marriage had become legal five years ago. He couldn't list any.

"But that isn't the point. The point is that most of the country doesn't want this."

Me: "Well the statistics says that most of the country supports this."

Dad's friend: "Well You can't believe statistics. They can say whatever they want.

Me: I agree there is some truth to that, but you have nothing but your own opinion. I at least have a federal opinion poll.

Dad' friend: But we can't be sure who is right.

Really? You think your opinion is as valid as a federally conducted study. You are a fool. But then my dad got involved, explaining what allowing gay marriage has done to him.

Dad: Well, it confuses my definition of marriage as a God sanctioned commitment between man and a women. Marriage has always been religious, since Adam and Eve.

I didn't mention that there is no account of a marriage ceremony in Genesis, just two of God's creations fucking like the rest of his animals to make babies. I did say, "That is a religious argument. An Athiest would say that humans have been pairing off since before man invented religion."

Dad: God gave it to Adam and Eve.

Me: That is a religious argument.

It boiled down to that my Dad, and his friend believed that Gay people could have a civil union, but not a marriage, because Marriage is religious. I asked my dad if it bothered him when Atheists got married. It didn't. As long as they were a man and a woman. Because God said man and woman. I didn't ask for a source, but the bible and all of our scriptures are pretty quiet on the subject, and what is there is open to interpretation. All we have is from the same group of men that told us that masturbation makes you gay, and that black people can neither have the priesthood, nor as a result, be sealed in the temple.

My dad was worried that the government would force religious groups to marry gay people. I had to explain that if a group wasn't taking government funds, or special tax breaks, the government can't force them to do anything. Besides which the right to practice your religion as you choose is protected by our constitution, as is my right to not be discriminated against based on my sexual orientation.

I pointed out that civil unions don't get the same right as a marriage, and they said that they would be fine if they did. I pointed it out it would be crazy for the government to have two different classifications that are exactly the same except that they have different names.

Dad: But they aren't the same.

Me: Then that is not equality.

Dad: God said what marriage is!

Me: God doesn't get a vote! Church and State are separate for a reason!

I had previously explained that marriage stopped being religious a long time ago. The only people involved are the two people getting married, and the government official signing the marriage license. Despite this they kept circling back to the same arguments. I got angry and was leaving, and said "What matters is that you get to marry whoever you want-"

Dad: Any woman!

Me: Which is all you want! And you don't think I should be allowed the same right.

Dad: You can marry any woman too.

And then I stormed off. Dad's friend didn't know I was gay, but after my last comment, and about how passionately I argued, I am sure he does now.

I am trying to patient with my parents, especially my dad. My mom for the most part is accepting, although I think she has some of the same opinions as my dad. She admits the church's treatment is wrong, and our place in the church should not be to stay invisible, but it is frustrating trying to be patient with them.

My dad's friend compared gay's getting married to the Man Boy Love Association. Like by stopping gay marriage they were preventing some sort of moral decline. In twenty years the world will probably accept them. I pointed out that 40 years ago we were fighting to approve interracial marriage, something the church was absolutely against. They said see, and that shows that the morals are changing.

They didn't get the fact that the morals seem to be changing for good, and they were trying to use the logical fallacy of a slippery slope argument to denigrate gay marriage. The whole thing pissed me off. And maybe my parents will come around. But I am not sure if they will. They are okay with me being gay, but they don't want to hear about me getting married, or actually you know, loving another man, because that is wrong. I can be gay as long as I don't act on it.

I guess all I can do is hope for the best, while preparing for the worst...

Also, for the record, I hate the term gay marriage. It only others it, making it sound different, when all we want is what everyone else already has, and gay marriage is exactly like straight marriage, except for who is doing it. I much prefer the term marriage equality. Much less connotative.

Anyways, I am done ranting now. My anger is diffused for the moment. Writing this blog is a good way to deal with my feelings. But while my hot anger is gone, it has been replaced by the dim buzz of the frustration of futility.

And this is why I can't go to church.

So I went to church last week. Sorta. Not to the full three hours. I'm not sure I could have done that. I was late so I sat in the hall for sacrament meeting. One of my friends, who I had recently come out to showed up, so I talked to him. Like me he does not believe in the church, and not really in God either, but he just got engaged to a true believing mormon girl, so he goes to keep her happy.

We talked about what coming out meant for me, how it explained some of questions and opinions I had. He told me he has always sorta guessed that I was.

When it was time for Sunday school we went outside to keep talking. I haven't gone to Sunday school for 6 months and I wasn't about to break that now. Sunday school I find especially hard to sit through. I hate hearing the naive answers to questions. I hate hearing that if we just read our scriptures and say our prayers how God will make sure everything works out for us. Because it just isn't true. A friend recently posted on her Tumblr account, referring to those who were praying for the riots in London to stop, "Don't pray, think." And I love that. I feel that when we prayer for a solution it makes us complacent. Now we can sit back and watch what God does. It is never the prayer-sayers who find solutions. They watch while the thinkers solve the problem.

My friend was able to convince me to come with him to Elders Quorum. So I did. And guess what the lesson was on...

Eternal marriage.

I sat in silence as the teacher explained that Adam and Eve was the first marriage, and that God created Adam, and then realized that it was not right for man to be alone, so he created Eve.

That idea is horribly offensive to me. First because it makes God look like an idiot, creating all the animals in pairs, and then not thinking to do it for man, until he realized how lonely he would be. And second it teaches that women were not put here for their own benefit for mans. A typical white straight male attitude. Never having to question that they are the most important person in their world. I should have said something out loud. Instead I just muttered my complaints to my friend.

The whole lesson only focused on why we need to get married, and why marriage is good for us. Despite the LGBTQ community gaining more visibility, even in the church, it was never even brought up what those who don't fit into the mormon mold are supposed to do. Now it is a YSA ward, and the teacher may not have been properly equipped to deal with those questions, but I am tired of being whitewashed into the background. There is no place at church for me. It is for people who fit the mold, and want what the church wants them to want. They don't want to even acknowledge my existence.

I whispered to my friend that he should raise his hand and say "Statistically speaking, there are probably three gay people in this room. What are they supposed to do with this lesson?" He told me who would if I wanted, but I told him no. I am still worried about people at church finding out. I don't want to be the person everyone is talking about. But in a month or so I think I will be totally out, and then when I am at church I can make statements like that. Except I can say "what am I supposed to do?" and watch the teachers stumble over what they know is the church sanctioned answer because they know how unpleasant it is, and they know who I am. It is easy to condemn an unknown other to a life of shame and loneliness, but to do it to someone you know, a friend, is very different.

I might go back next month. We will see. My ward is removing all the inactive members, and putting them in the family ward, so I might go just often enough to keep my records in the YSA ward. But I'm not sure if it is that important to me anymore. I do like watching members try ti reconcile me with their own beliefs though.

When I got home I talked to my Dad about the lesson. Turns out he taught it in his ward. My parents asked if I had gone to church. I nodded but didn't say anything. They didn't ask questions, probably because they knew this lesson would be distasteful to me. They probably wish I had gone to church a different week. I asked my Dad about it later.

I said that it bothered me because it didn't even acknowledge my existence, and that it didn't provide a path for me. And he said, "but you know what the church's path for you is. You just have to decide if you are willing to do that."

It made me a little sad to hear him say that, because underneath the words he said I could hear him say, "And I think the church the is right, so that is also the path I see for you."

My parents try to be supportive, and encouraging, but they still believe what they believe. And they believe that me choosing to embrace this is wrong. I keep having dreams where I explain to them I am going to get married, and I am not going to be celibate. Usually fighting ensues. I'm not sure what will happen when I actually introduce them to a boyfriend. It will definitely force them to analyze what they feel, instead of walking this line between supporting the church and supporting me.