and this needs to stop!

So another gay teen has commit suicide.

Gay teens are 2 to 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers, and almost one third of completed suicides are related to issues of sexual identity. And those are just a couple of the troubling statistics you can read if you click the above link. And this needs to stop.

Every time this happens we all have the obligatory moment of silence, and say how awful this problem is, and then we go back to our lives. But this will never change unless we start holding people accountable. And by that I mean a couple of things.

First, every time this happens we need to challenge all the people who were involved in telling these kids and young adults that they are not important, or not worthy to live. I'm not saying every bully should be charged with hate crimes, but people need to be made to feel responsible for the consequences of their actions.

However, kids will be kids, and are only a symptom of a more subtle problem. So, Second, we all need to admit our own part in repeating this cycle of abuse. It is easy to point at the religious leaders, and fundamentalist Christians and say that they are responsible for this. And that isn't wrong. Every time one of them says that tolerating homosexuality is damaging to families or the fabric of society it gives students consent to bully LGBT youth by setting them up as "the bad guy".

But we need to recognize that we also give our consent when we choose to stay silent.

That is true for straight people and us queer people. Every time we hear someone make a homophobic comment and we let it slide, we contribute to the problem. Every time we hear someone use the word gay as a synonym for stupid without calling them out on it we contribute. By choosing to stay silent as if our orientation is some sick secret we should be ashamed of, we contribute. It is for that reason that I applaud those who get involved with groups like the It Gets Better project.

I found out today that more people are realizing that I am gay than I thought. I have heard of a few people who have heard rumours about me, and contacted family or friends to find out if it is true, including my old bishop. No one has contacted me though, perhaps they think they are being sensitive by not asking me, but it actually ticks me off.

When I found out about the rumours I was upset. Mostly because I know the people whispering about me are attaching all sorts of negative connotations to the news, and that ticks me off. But I have decided to let that go. I won't behave as if this is something I should be ashamed of. Because it isn't. And letting other people see me squirm around the issue only validates their bigoted opinions.

And while it can be painful for us to stand tall, and be out and proud, if doing so, if being one more positive role model can help prevent even one teen struggling with their sexual identity from killing themself, then any pain of coming out publicly will be worth it.

Maybe I will make an "It Gets Better" video.

PS. I got tumblr. You can find me here.

And this is why I can't go to church.

So I went to church last week. Sorta. Not to the full three hours. I'm not sure I could have done that. I was late so I sat in the hall for sacrament meeting. One of my friends, who I had recently come out to showed up, so I talked to him. Like me he does not believe in the church, and not really in God either, but he just got engaged to a true believing mormon girl, so he goes to keep her happy.

We talked about what coming out meant for me, how it explained some of questions and opinions I had. He told me he has always sorta guessed that I was.

When it was time for Sunday school we went outside to keep talking. I haven't gone to Sunday school for 6 months and I wasn't about to break that now. Sunday school I find especially hard to sit through. I hate hearing the naive answers to questions. I hate hearing that if we just read our scriptures and say our prayers how God will make sure everything works out for us. Because it just isn't true. A friend recently posted on her Tumblr account, referring to those who were praying for the riots in London to stop, "Don't pray, think." And I love that. I feel that when we prayer for a solution it makes us complacent. Now we can sit back and watch what God does. It is never the prayer-sayers who find solutions. They watch while the thinkers solve the problem.

My friend was able to convince me to come with him to Elders Quorum. So I did. And guess what the lesson was on...

Eternal marriage.

I sat in silence as the teacher explained that Adam and Eve was the first marriage, and that God created Adam, and then realized that it was not right for man to be alone, so he created Eve.

That idea is horribly offensive to me. First because it makes God look like an idiot, creating all the animals in pairs, and then not thinking to do it for man, until he realized how lonely he would be. And second it teaches that women were not put here for their own benefit for mans. A typical white straight male attitude. Never having to question that they are the most important person in their world. I should have said something out loud. Instead I just muttered my complaints to my friend.

The whole lesson only focused on why we need to get married, and why marriage is good for us. Despite the LGBTQ community gaining more visibility, even in the church, it was never even brought up what those who don't fit into the mormon mold are supposed to do. Now it is a YSA ward, and the teacher may not have been properly equipped to deal with those questions, but I am tired of being whitewashed into the background. There is no place at church for me. It is for people who fit the mold, and want what the church wants them to want. They don't want to even acknowledge my existence.

I whispered to my friend that he should raise his hand and say "Statistically speaking, there are probably three gay people in this room. What are they supposed to do with this lesson?" He told me who would if I wanted, but I told him no. I am still worried about people at church finding out. I don't want to be the person everyone is talking about. But in a month or so I think I will be totally out, and then when I am at church I can make statements like that. Except I can say "what am I supposed to do?" and watch the teachers stumble over what they know is the church sanctioned answer because they know how unpleasant it is, and they know who I am. It is easy to condemn an unknown other to a life of shame and loneliness, but to do it to someone you know, a friend, is very different.

I might go back next month. We will see. My ward is removing all the inactive members, and putting them in the family ward, so I might go just often enough to keep my records in the YSA ward. But I'm not sure if it is that important to me anymore. I do like watching members try ti reconcile me with their own beliefs though.

When I got home I talked to my Dad about the lesson. Turns out he taught it in his ward. My parents asked if I had gone to church. I nodded but didn't say anything. They didn't ask questions, probably because they knew this lesson would be distasteful to me. They probably wish I had gone to church a different week. I asked my Dad about it later.

I said that it bothered me because it didn't even acknowledge my existence, and that it didn't provide a path for me. And he said, "but you know what the church's path for you is. You just have to decide if you are willing to do that."

It made me a little sad to hear him say that, because underneath the words he said I could hear him say, "And I think the church the is right, so that is also the path I see for you."

My parents try to be supportive, and encouraging, but they still believe what they believe. And they believe that me choosing to embrace this is wrong. I keep having dreams where I explain to them I am going to get married, and I am not going to be celibate. Usually fighting ensues. I'm not sure what will happen when I actually introduce them to a boyfriend. It will definitely force them to analyze what they feel, instead of walking this line between supporting the church and supporting me.

That Was Easier Than Expected

When I woke up yesterday I had no intention of telling my parents where I stand with the church, or about being gay. But when the opportunity came up I took it.

In the morning my mom came and talked with me. About nothing in particular at first, but then she told me that she sometimes got the impression that I only went to church to keep her and dad happy. The comment surprised. I knew I wasn't exactly subtle with my disagreements with some of the stuff the church does, but I wasn't expecting to have this conversation. I wasn't going to lie though, not when I was asked in such a point blank way. So I admitted that she was right.

We had a long discussion about the church. My dad joined in after a little bit. I talked about how I don't think the prophets are always right, and I disagree with the common church mentality of "follow the prophet" even if you know what he is saying is wrong, because you will be blessed for it. I talked about the early church, and how I don't agree that God had anything to do with withholding the priesthood from black men. That is was just a race issue. And I pointed out that that does not mean the church isn't true, but I feel that the church should fess up to it's mistakes, not hide from them, or edit the history to look better than it is. The church teaches to confess and forsake your sins, but the organization of the church is bad at practicing what it preaches.

I also told them that I had never received an answer. That when I was a deacon I "received revelation" that I was going to be the deacon's quorum president. But I wasn't. So from that I learned i could trick myself into feeling things that weren't there. So I decided that all my answers needed to be concrete. And I let myself believe in the church without an answer for a long time, but one day I decided I couldn't anymore. And I started asking questions, questions no one could answer...

My parents told me they also had problems with the church. I asked for some examples. My mom said homosexuality. A few weeks ago I brought up with my mom a friend who was engaged to her partner. I told my mom about it, and she was excited, until she realized it was a lesbian couple. I did it to test the waters with my parents. I have occasionally exposed them to ideas that might upset their way of thinking to see if they are capable of changing their views. And I guess this was working better than I thought it did. My mom said that when I brought up my friend who was engaged it got her thinking about how hard it must be for gay people in the church. There just isn't a place for them.

We talked about that for a bit, and that is when I knew that this would probably be the best opportunity I would have to come out to my parents. I told them. Neither was surprised. They had been wondering for a bit, mostly because of the way I kept bringing stuff up to see what they thought. They were glad I did that though, as it gave them time to reevaluate some of their values before they talked through things with me.

I told them what my life had been like up until recently. Feeling like I had two complete identities living inside me, that hated each other. I said I would wake up and hate myself, and feel like God hated me for who I was, even though I couldn't change. But in the last year, as I came to terms with myself I finally have been happy. Postive. Not just occasionally. When I am so engaged in something that I can forget myself, but all the time.

They had questions, which I did my best to answer. I reflected back on the time that dad was asking how I would teach my kids about this. I told them that what I wanted to say back then was "Well, it'll be easy. My kids will have two dads." My parents smiled at that. That i still wanted a family.

They asked me to see a mormon psychologist. I told them that I would think about it, but that I can't go back to hating myself, to trying to change. They said they didn't expect that, but that they thought it would help. That the person they went to for couples counseling sometimes would be able to help me. I told them maybe, but it isn't real likely. I don't feel like I need help. I am well adjusted and comfortable with who I am. And I don't want to make them pay for that, when I am not going to get anything out of it.

I asked how they would feel if I came out publicly. They said that it was my decision, and they wouldn't try to stop me, but that I should try praying again first. My mom pointed out the church says it is okay to be gay, you just can't act on it. I rephrased it. "You can be gay. You just can't be gay." To point out the hypocrisy. The church doesn't mind who I am, as long as I keep it quiet, stay in the closet. My mom didn't quite get it at first, but Dad did. I said I wouldn't do that. That I plan to be out, and I plan to be a positive role model when I get famous writing *crosses fingers*.

I said that what the church asks, when it comes to being alone, and celibate, is too much. That I won't do that. They said I could have a family, a partner, and kids. I just have to stay celibate. I didn't fight them on that, even though I think that is a crazy idea. And if I am civilly married the church shouldn't care what we do (not that I care what the church thinks anyways, but my parents do).

I asked my parents how they would feel if I stopped going to church. They said they guess they would understood, they can see how it would be hard for me to go, especially in a YSA ward, but they would appreciate it if I go to at least sacrament meeting. So that is what I will do for now. They really want me to have a testimony. I told them I could consider trying again to get an answer, but even if i get an answer about the gospel, I have no desire to support the church that hates me. I won't attend in the future. There is no place for me there. I would reconsider when the church does. Although I can't see myself ever going back. I am not a big fan of religion. period.

We got back to talking about the follow the prophet thing. My parents said that they have never felt that the churches teaches to follow the prophet even if he is wrong but that the prophet will never lead people astray. So I brought up the churchs earlier stance on homosexuality. On their support for mixed orientation marriages, and the push to just get all the gay people married, and then they will be cured.

My mom agreed that this was wrong, but my dad said that it was just an opinion. I said that that is true, but the church's push for this was leading people astray, that it hurt many families. And pointed out that this isn't the only time in the church's history where individuals or groups have been led astray or hurt by the church. My parents reluctantly agreed. I explained that I will never follow blindly. When any church leader, the prophet included, says something that I think isn't true I will call them on it. And that I think lot's of the rules the church stands behind, no earrings for men, one for women, the whole idea about maintaining a conservative appearance, has nothing to do with God, and concrete truths. The old prophets had beards, but now bearded men can't work in the temple. This is the church acting like the pharisees that Christ rebuked. They built a law around the law, especially in regards to the sabbath, and Christ was against this. I told my parents that when and if Christ does return he won't be saying that there are many who draw near unto him with their lips, but in their hearts are far from Him, just about other churches. It will apply to our church too, and even to many church leaders.

I told them some of the things Packer has said, and how it is hard for me to have anything but hate for him. I explained that I think that most of what the church teaches on the subject currently has very little to do with God, and more to do with ideals of the culture the qourum of the twelve grew up in. I said I wouldn't hold myself to the things they have said, because I do not think they are of God. And since God has been silent, it is up to me to do what I think is right.

They reluctantly agreed again. We left things there. Their response isn't perfect, but it was far better than I could have expected. I will try to keep helping them reshape things, and be more understanding as time goes on. We will see how they react when I stop censoring myself. When I tell them about guys in the ward I find attractive. I won't be doing that any time soon though. Got to let them slowly adjust.

So know one sister, and my parents know. Just three sisters left. We will see how it goes. The most difficult conversation will be with my oldest sister, whose husband is a bishop. She is the one most likely to try to save me, and try to show me how God can "cure" me. But we will see. I will probably tell her last.

and I'm waiting for a new attitude.

I mentioned in my last post that I recently came out to one of my sisters. She said something when I did that was new to me. She said that she was excited for me. Excited, and that she was sorry that we had a sucky family. I came out to one of my cousins on Sunday. She said something similar. She was excited, and happy for me.

This was a big change from other reactions I have received. The first person I came out to was supportive, but still saw it through the lens he had been given by his family, and the church. So while he was supportive, he still saw it as something to deal with. A problem, a struggle. To be fair I did at the time too, and my attitude may have colored his reaction. The next person I told was an ex-girlfriend, who I am now very close with. She was supportive, but I think also a little hurt, because of all the time I had spent lying to her and me about who I was. Our history changed the way she reacted.

But with my sister, and my cousin, there was genuine excitement. While I have been waiting, and wanting to come out for a while, I still have this fear, from thinking that coming out is getting something off my chest, some horrible secret. And while I am looking forward to the excitement of being able to be honest, and live the life I want, the dark cloud has overhung that. But when my sister and cousin were excited for me it showed me that what I have been looking at as something shameful and scary, could, and should be something exciting.

I still need to be careful, and proceed with caution. Most of my family won't see it the way my younger sister, and cousin did, but now I can see that there will be people who can be excited for me, and happy for me. And more importantly that I can be excited and happy about this, instead of dreading it.

And I wish you could see it my way...

I just had a very interesting talk with my father. My sister, who is married with five kids, called him and told him that he needs to be more careful with his media; get rid of R rated movies, not play M rated games, and that will help him. And then she said that my Dad should pass that info onto me as well.

So that got my dad and me talking about obedience, about what I call Blind Obedience. When people become so devoted to following someone else’s words, that they stop being agents, and merely become objects. I could do a whole post about just the stuff we said about filtering our media, but then we started talking about the renovation project in Salt Lake. I said that the way the church is spending money doesn’t always seem right.

I don’t know if you know about the church and this mall in downtown Salt Lake, but the rumours are that mall is costing the church upwards of 3 billion dollars. Some perspective; the tallest and most expensive buildings in the world have cost about 2 billion. For the price of this mall the church should be able to do a whole downtown core, and perhaps a large housing project. I won’t go into much more detail than that. If you want more info follow this link: http://truthmarche.wordpress.com/2010/10/25/church-finance-part-iv/

The point is that it seems that church invests tithing money and uses the capital for projects like this. I argued that the church should let more tithing stay in the wards where it was collected, where it can help communities. This would help the church look appealing to outsiders, as well the members could see their tithing bless others, which would make it easier to pay. WIN WIN.

Dad was worried thinking this way would affect my testimony. The truth is I don’t have one. Maybe the church is true, maybe it isn’t. I don’t care. I don’t feel a strong desire to be a part of it, except that leaving the church means leaving my family. What I told my dad was is that I can separate the church and the gospel, and I can separate the leaders of the church from that. They can make mistakes without it meaning the church isn’t true.

Then somehow prop 8 got brought up. Ok, I guess I don’t need to be coy; I brought prop 8. And I said the church shouldn’t have got so involved. And my dad and I argued in circles for almost two hours.

When my sister called my dad he pointed out that she should not be receiving revelation for him. I agreed, and that even if she did she should not say it like that. It is as arrogant and deluded as the men who introduce themselves to women and then tell them that had a revelation and they have to get married.

I pointed out to dad, that as much as he did not like my sister doing that to him, that is exactly what the church did to gay people everywhere when they got involved in prop 8. They announced to the world that they knew how to make all those disgusting gays happier; and how to give them a god that they did not want.

My dad said that ‘The Church’ had a right to do this, because they had a prophet. I pointed out to my dad that the brethren don’t agree on this issue, let alone have the ability to speak for the world on it. I pointed out that Packer said the church isn’t true if gays are born gay, and that Hinckley was humble enough to say that he didn’t know what made them gay, and then gave his opinion on what god wanted for them, for us, I don’t agree with Hinckely’s plan, and if that is what God wants, than I’m not interested in following. But I appreciate his honesty, and humility.

Dad told me not to worry about it to much, because it is only a small population. But it doesn’t matter how small a population it is, when I am part of it. This would have been a hell of a moment to come out. ;)

I reminded my dad of this poem

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.

And I said that the best plan would be for the Gays, and the Church, and all the other minorities who feel like their way of life is attacked every day should team up, and fight for the right for the self determination of all peoples.

My dad was not convinced, and had more rhetoric about how renaming marriage and changing marriage changed it. And how marriage was a religious covenant before it was a civil covenant. I asked why it didn’t bother him when atheist got married, and pointed out that atheists would argue that man invented marriage before they invented god. I told him that my priesthood didn’t become less valuable when they gave it to black men. I told my dad about a quote by C. S, Lewis that I found here http://scrumcentral.blogspot.com/2010/06/mormon-favorite-c-s-lewis-on-marriage.html

The quote encourages two marriages, one for religious people, and one for everyone else. I explained to my dad, that the church already makes this distinction between civil marriages, and temple marriages, so there is no reason not to extend civil marriage to anyone who wants, because it has no effect on temple marriages.

Finally my dad asked how I would teach this to my own children. I didn’t tell him that would be easy, because my kids will have two dads. I did tell him that if one day my daughter (I chose daughter, because I worried that if I used a scenario in which my son came out to me, my dad might put two and two together) tells me that she has a girlfriend, then I am not going to send her away, but I will tell her I am happy for her, and that I want to meet her. Because I know that the relationship with my children is more important to me than the church. My dad does not feel that way, because he has a different view of the church than I do. He said that was interesting. I told him that even President Hinckely said we should make sure our gay or otherwise struggling family members feel welcome. You can tell them what is the standard for your home, but first and foremost make them feel welcome. I don’t remember where or when he said, but I remember it, and that is why I will always respect Gordon B. Hinckely. My dad said that would be said to give up salvation for that though. I told dad that I don’t know that they would. I said that if the doctrine is that they, us gays, are going to be changed in the next life then maybe they could be allowed to live in their kind of family here, and to deal with it in the next life and still receive exaltation.

He told me not to let any of this effect my testimony, because he wants me to raise his grandchildren in the church, and he will be upset if I don’t. Too bad he doesn’t get a say.

But he also said something interesting. I told him that the church used lots of racist rhetoric to back up not giving blacks the priesthood, and I told him that this issue is my generations social rights issue. I said that one day the church will change how they handle gays, and my dad did agree with that, so I told him I am just waiting for it all to come out in the wash, and the church to decide what is true, and what isn’t.

He said then, for me to stay in the church. And to stay strong. That I should be a leader in the church. He said I might be right. He had never thought about the idea that maybe they could live one way here, and then deal with it in the next life and still be saved, and that I should be a leader and help change the church. He said that Harold B Lee had ideas the other apostles didn’t like, and it took until he was president until he could put them into action, but he did it. And I should be a leader, instead of sitting on the sidelines throwing stones.

It is a nice idea, but I will have to let someone else be that leader, because in order for me to do it I need to keep repressing who I am. Something I won’t do. But somehow this conversation let my dad realize that there are other possibilities. That maybe the way he has seen it all his life isn’t the only concrete truth. And while I am not ready to come out to my parents, it gives me a bit of hope that when I do, I can convince them to accept me, at least with time.

In other news, I came out to my other sister (not the one from above) my younger sister, who just moved out, and told me about her secret tattoos. She told me she was excited for me. Excited, and sad we live in a sucky family. She recognized my coming out as the happy and empowering occasion that coming out should be. So I’ve got that going for me. Too bad the whole family is turned against her right now, for moving in with her boyfriend, or I could use her as an ally in the family. But that is ok. For now it can us two, verse them, and we can keep sticking up for each other. It is nice to have at least one person I can trust in the family.

... and I'm ready for a new direction.

This blog is not the same as when it started, and I am not the same person who started it. When I started it, I was a Mormon, who believed he was struggling from some sort of sexual addiction or deviation, because I liked porn, and even worse, I liked gay porn. Since I have started this blog I have slowly come to terms with the fact that there is nothing wrong with me. I am who I am. And a part of that is being gay. I have left the church behind me. Now I'm an atheist. Except I'm not out, and I live with my very religious parents,so I keep pretending. Keep on going to church, and doing the other things that will make them happy, all the while depriving myself of the things I want. But hopefully, soon I will move out, then everything will change.

Because I don't want to do this anymore. I am ready to come out. I want to see who my true friends are, and who was just pretending. I want to see who in my family loves me, and who loves the person I was pretending to be. I want to see who in the church accepts me, and who tries to Save me.

But mostly, I just want to start living for me. I have spent the last 23 years living for other people; my parents, people in my church, and doing things that make them happy, but make me miserable. I don't- I can't do that anymore.

So I am trying to find a way to move out. So I can finally be me. So when my family goes nuts, I am not reliant on them, and I can retreat to my own place and leave the madness behind me.

... and I'm in a downward spiral.

It has been a long time since I have written anything here. There are few reasons for that. It has been several months since I have gone to a meeting, and I am definitely doing worse than ever. I had a lot of time to myself in the last few months, and while it was a great respite, it was a chance for my struggles to grow unchecked.

One good thing has happened since the last time I wrote though. Part of step 5 is having a friend or advisor read your inventory, and being totally honest with them. I wasn't sure I could do that, but I tried. I chose a friend I thought I could trust, and, starting with the small things, let them read my inventory. Finally at the end I told him I liked dudes. I won't say it wasn't an awkward conversation, but it was meaningful. He didn't seem all that phased by it, and accepted it, accepted me. Since then we have talked a lot more, and it has been great to have someone I can be totally honest with.

But this one positive has been surrounded with hardship. I am currently reevaluating how I feel about the Mormon/LDS church. I am not sure if I have ever felt a spiritual testament to it's truth. I feel like I have been playing a part for my whole life, and I am not sure it is who I really am. And that doesn't bode well with me, and m new commitment to honesty. I have told a few people how I have felt, including my one trusted friend. He has some of the same thoughts, and has been struggling with things himself. I am still trying to decide what I will do about my new concerns. I guess stick it out for a bit. I worry that if I back away from the church, and from God it will make recovery harder, as the twelve step program is God-based. On the other hand I feel like church is one of the reasons I am struggle with self-hatred. I am square peg trying to push himself through a round hole. Who I am, someone who struggles with homosexuality, doesn't fit in, and being with that group causes me to judge myself, and condemn myself. It doesn't seem healthy.

On the other hand, I do feel like God understands me, even if everyone at church doesn't. I haven't prayed, or read my scriptures for months, with only a few exceptions. My current goal is going to be to change that, and to go back to meetings, and see if I feel a change in my life.

As for my friend, he is going to need a good pseudonym if I am going to keep talking about him. Let's call him James, as in James Wilson. That would make me the masochistic Gregory House. I think it's an apt comparison.