... and I am looking for little victories.

I did it. I finally met with my Bishop. I had been putting it off ever since I got a new one a few months ago, and I am glad that I finally got around to it. I kept wanting to have been sober a little longer before I talked to him, so I could walk in with good news. My last bishop always asked when the last time I had slipped up was, and the answer was never what I wanted to invariably I felt shameful and embarrassed when I went to see him. My new bishop is very different. He never asked when the last time was, and I was glad since it was the day before. He didn't try to push me to change, and tell me that I need to hurry and put this behind me, like my last Bishop did. He told me that it took me a long time to get to this place in my life. I have been struggling with addiction for eight years. It's also going to take a while to get out. He told me that I am not going to be able to change overnight, but I need to look for little victories, that even resisting just one time is a start.

I was so thankful for all the things he said. To feel his support instead of his judgement was a great blessing to me. I didn't tell him all the things I should have though, but I told him enough for now. I will see him again in two weeks, and hopefully then I will be ready to tell him the rest, so I can keep moving forward. In light of what he said to me though I am going to list a few of the little victories I have already made...

Just going to see him felt like a huge victory

and I was able to stay in control today

and I am alone right now but I am in control, and getting my thoughts out.

I think things are going really good. Hopefully it stays this way for a little while.

... and I am scared to be alone.

I mean this in more than sense. Days when I am alone are the hardest for me to stay in control. I find that I can be doing really well, but as soon as i am in a situation where I am alone, I slip into old habits and patterns. This is very frustrating, as I find that living with my family is very stressful, definitely one of my biggest triggers, but I don't trust myself to move out, because of how quickly I lose control.

The other way I mean this, is that sometimes I worry I will push all the people I care about away from me, and I will have no one to turn for help. I can be impatient, and lately I found myself more and more angry all the time. I try not to snap at my friends and family, but I often say what I am thinking before I have a chance to censor myself. Those who understand what I am dealing try to be patient with me, but I can see that they struggle to deal with me. The are more easily put on the defensive around me, even when I am feeling fine because they are now accustomed to me attacking them.

I am working on being more patient, on keeping myself from doing and saying things to hurt those I care about. I am making progress but it is slow going, but I will keep working at it, because I am so thankful for the amazing support system I have, and I don't want to lose it. There are so many people who I am able to trust, and confide, at least to a degree, and they are a huge support to me.

I have a friend who attends recovery meetings with me, and he has been struggling in the past, but he is working hard on changing, and he is doing much better than me right now, but he continues to offer me positive encouragement. It feels like a major role reversal as initially he was very reluctant to even come, and I was always having to encourage him, but now he is the one helping me.

We read step two this week at the meeting, and this was good for me. I feel hopeful again, and ready to keep pushing forward. I am still scared to open up, but I know I need to stop making excuses and just push forward, because if I don't there will always be another reason to stay where it is familiar, and I know if I can push forward everything will be much better.

My Name is Allen and I am Terrified...

I finished Step 4 months ago and I am struggling to push myself over the next line. Step 5 is about confessing to someone all the things you learned and wrote in step 4 and I am can't get over my fear of letting someone else in. I want to put this behind me, I can understand the value of this step, and I recognize that once I do it I can continue to progress but that intellectual understanding does not make this any easier.

I am LDS, more commonly known as Mormon. Our church sponsors a 12 step addiction recovery program that is adapted slightly from the original 12 step AA program. Step 5 is also includes confessing to God. This is done through my ward Bishop. Unfortunately my Bishop is a close family friend and that makes it that much harder. I made an appointment to meet with him tomorrow, but now I don't want to go through with it. I always feel good about meeting with him after my recovery meeting Tuesday, but by the time Sunday rolls around I have usually slipped in my abstinence, as well as lost my nerve to be honest. I am hoping I can push the appointment until next week, and maybe that will work better, but if it does't I may have to request doing it another day, perhaps Wednesday when I am still committed to my decision.

I was feeling good about talking to him yesterday, but then I gave in to my addiction, and today I all I feel is an overwhelming sense of shame. Well maybe next week...

My name is Allen, and I am losing control...

I have been sober for four days and it is taking it's toll on me. I use my addiction as an anesthetic. When I am using I don't feel pain or anger, or anything. I can be completely rational without letting emotions hamper my judgement or thinking. Whenever I start to abstain that all changes. And the first one I always feel is anger. All the time. At my friends for asking stupid questions. At my sister for wanting to talk to me. At my facilitator at group for seeming impatient with someone else. At the quiet, or at the noise. I am not sure I can deal with it.

I am generally the rock for everyone around me. I am the person the come to talk to, not necessarily for advice, but because I am a good listener. And I know how to keep information to myself. I am the one who helps to defuse arguments by pointing out when others are being irrational, but I am having trouble at doing the same to myself. Not only that but when I am like this I hate listening. I have a hard time even pretending to care about anyone else's thoughts or problems. I keep it all under the surface though. I am good at that. That's one thing I have learned from struggling with addiction for eight years; I know how to look like I am in control even when I am falling apart.

My one respite from all the anger is music. There is a lots of music I can't stand, but the stuff I do like gives me a chance to step out of myself for just a minute, to let go of my anger, my own pent up emotions and to feel, for just a brief moment, what it is like to be someone else. Hopefully it can keep me sane long enough to push past the anger.

Maybe I need a better outlet...