... and I am trying to move forward.

I have been thinking about the twelve steps program the past while and I am not sure how I feel about it at the moment. Mostly because I am not sure how much God intervenes in people's lives, and if I need God to overcome my problems. On the other hand, I have been struggling with this for almost a decade and things have only gotten worse. If I do go back to the program, I should go back and redo a few steps, like step 2, as I don't have a lot of hope or faith right now.

But, if I do more forward, and I do try to finish step 5 by talking to my/a bishop I have a few choices. I am uncomfortable telling my Bishop everything about what I am dealing with. He is a close family friend, so it is more difficult than telling a stranger, or someone who I won't have to see in other contexts outside of church. I see my current bishop outside of church quite frequently. I am not sure I want him to be one of the people I trust with this, or to risk him changing how he thinks about me for the rest of his life.

So I need to either a) let go of my fear, and just lay it out on the table, and let things fall where they will.

b) Move out, and go somewhere where I won't know the bishop, until I have put all this behind me.

c) Wait. Wait until My bishop is released in two and half years, and talk to whoever replaces him.

I am not too enamored of any of these options but I guess I need to pick one if I am going to keep going through the steps.

... and I'm in a downward spiral.

It has been a long time since I have written anything here. There are few reasons for that. It has been several months since I have gone to a meeting, and I am definitely doing worse than ever. I had a lot of time to myself in the last few months, and while it was a great respite, it was a chance for my struggles to grow unchecked.

One good thing has happened since the last time I wrote though. Part of step 5 is having a friend or advisor read your inventory, and being totally honest with them. I wasn't sure I could do that, but I tried. I chose a friend I thought I could trust, and, starting with the small things, let them read my inventory. Finally at the end I told him I liked dudes. I won't say it wasn't an awkward conversation, but it was meaningful. He didn't seem all that phased by it, and accepted it, accepted me. Since then we have talked a lot more, and it has been great to have someone I can be totally honest with.

But this one positive has been surrounded with hardship. I am currently reevaluating how I feel about the Mormon/LDS church. I am not sure if I have ever felt a spiritual testament to it's truth. I feel like I have been playing a part for my whole life, and I am not sure it is who I really am. And that doesn't bode well with me, and m new commitment to honesty. I have told a few people how I have felt, including my one trusted friend. He has some of the same thoughts, and has been struggling with things himself. I am still trying to decide what I will do about my new concerns. I guess stick it out for a bit. I worry that if I back away from the church, and from God it will make recovery harder, as the twelve step program is God-based. On the other hand I feel like church is one of the reasons I am struggle with self-hatred. I am square peg trying to push himself through a round hole. Who I am, someone who struggles with homosexuality, doesn't fit in, and being with that group causes me to judge myself, and condemn myself. It doesn't seem healthy.

On the other hand, I do feel like God understands me, even if everyone at church doesn't. I haven't prayed, or read my scriptures for months, with only a few exceptions. My current goal is going to be to change that, and to go back to meetings, and see if I feel a change in my life.

As for my friend, he is going to need a good pseudonym if I am going to keep talking about him. Let's call him James, as in James Wilson. That would make me the masochistic Gregory House. I think it's an apt comparison.