and I am tired of being fed bullshit.

In the past few months I haven't read my scriptures, been to a recovery meeting, or even said more than the occasional prayer. I have participated in priesthood blessings, which technically I am not worthy for, but it didn't bother me in the least, and I have been looking at porn and jerking off almost daily.

And I have never felt better.

Let me answer the obvious questions. I am not in denial. I am not ignoring my problems. I really am doing just fine.

I think the answer to my problems is not changing myself, but changing my perceptions.

I have believed every thing my parents and church leaders have told me all my life, but I am finally waking up to fact that it is a load of crap. All the religious nonsense, and rigid moral platitudes are nothing more than tradition and hot air. I'm not an addict, I am a typical 23 year old. I am not a sinner, I am a man who thinks critically and always tries to do what he thinks is right.

I admit that I am not problem free. I am still struggling with my sexual identity, and with not believing in the God that my entire family believes in. Mormon isn't a religion that is the least bit casual, so leaving causes quite an upset. My dad once refused to let my cousin stay at our house because she refused to go to church, so telling my family about my atheistic awakening is not high on my to do list.

Maybe I will move out, maybe i will keep quiet until I finish school and then move out, maybe I will tell my family how I feel and hope for the best.

For now I will keep quiet and see how things go, play along. That won't last forever though. I have been starting to push the limits I have always accepted. Maybe soon I will get wasted and see what the appeal is. You know, usual university student stuff...