... and I am trying to move forward.

I have been thinking about the twelve steps program the past while and I am not sure how I feel about it at the moment. Mostly because I am not sure how much God intervenes in people's lives, and if I need God to overcome my problems. On the other hand, I have been struggling with this for almost a decade and things have only gotten worse. If I do go back to the program, I should go back and redo a few steps, like step 2, as I don't have a lot of hope or faith right now.

But, if I do more forward, and I do try to finish step 5 by talking to my/a bishop I have a few choices. I am uncomfortable telling my Bishop everything about what I am dealing with. He is a close family friend, so it is more difficult than telling a stranger, or someone who I won't have to see in other contexts outside of church. I see my current bishop outside of church quite frequently. I am not sure I want him to be one of the people I trust with this, or to risk him changing how he thinks about me for the rest of his life.

So I need to either a) let go of my fear, and just lay it out on the table, and let things fall where they will.

b) Move out, and go somewhere where I won't know the bishop, until I have put all this behind me.

c) Wait. Wait until My bishop is released in two and half years, and talk to whoever replaces him.

I am not too enamored of any of these options but I guess I need to pick one if I am going to keep going through the steps.

... and I'm in a downward spiral.

It has been a long time since I have written anything here. There are few reasons for that. It has been several months since I have gone to a meeting, and I am definitely doing worse than ever. I had a lot of time to myself in the last few months, and while it was a great respite, it was a chance for my struggles to grow unchecked.

One good thing has happened since the last time I wrote though. Part of step 5 is having a friend or advisor read your inventory, and being totally honest with them. I wasn't sure I could do that, but I tried. I chose a friend I thought I could trust, and, starting with the small things, let them read my inventory. Finally at the end I told him I liked dudes. I won't say it wasn't an awkward conversation, but it was meaningful. He didn't seem all that phased by it, and accepted it, accepted me. Since then we have talked a lot more, and it has been great to have someone I can be totally honest with.

But this one positive has been surrounded with hardship. I am currently reevaluating how I feel about the Mormon/LDS church. I am not sure if I have ever felt a spiritual testament to it's truth. I feel like I have been playing a part for my whole life, and I am not sure it is who I really am. And that doesn't bode well with me, and m new commitment to honesty. I have told a few people how I have felt, including my one trusted friend. He has some of the same thoughts, and has been struggling with things himself. I am still trying to decide what I will do about my new concerns. I guess stick it out for a bit. I worry that if I back away from the church, and from God it will make recovery harder, as the twelve step program is God-based. On the other hand I feel like church is one of the reasons I am struggle with self-hatred. I am square peg trying to push himself through a round hole. Who I am, someone who struggles with homosexuality, doesn't fit in, and being with that group causes me to judge myself, and condemn myself. It doesn't seem healthy.

On the other hand, I do feel like God understands me, even if everyone at church doesn't. I haven't prayed, or read my scriptures for months, with only a few exceptions. My current goal is going to be to change that, and to go back to meetings, and see if I feel a change in my life.

As for my friend, he is going to need a good pseudonym if I am going to keep talking about him. Let's call him James, as in James Wilson. That would make me the masochistic Gregory House. I think it's an apt comparison.

... and I'm just being honest...

I made a realization the other day. I made this blog, even though I already one, so I could be totally honest, and use that to help me recover, but I haven't done that. I have held back, just like I do in all my relationships. I didn't fully open up when I was talking to my Bishop, and I didn't open up to my last girlfriend, and even the friends I have opened up a little bit to don't know the half of what I am struggling with. So I decided that right here, right now at least, I will be honest.

I am a struggling sex addict. I have held that back because I know lot's of people don't think of it as real addiction, but I can testify that it is. I will sit down at my computer, intending to only sit down for a few minutes, but when I go to my common porn sites I will find myself trapped for hours. I have jerked off while driving, half of me wishing to get caught, and part of me dreading it. I have met people online and convinced them to cam for me, and done the same for them. I have promised people that I would meet them for sex, but I always back out at the last second, sometimes without telling them, leaving them waiting for me somewhere.

I also struggle with some same sex attraction. I wouldn't call myself gay, but most of the porn I look at is... This is hard for me. I don't want to act on these feelings as I don't to live that lifestyle. I am extremely religious, and have a strong testimony of Christ and I know that these actions are not acceptable before the Lord. I want to get married to a beautiful woman, and be a good father, but there is a part of me that wants something totally different.

Hopefully being honest here will help me to be honest where it counts. I have never expressed these feelings so bluntly before, verbally or in writing, and it feels good to get them out.

While I am struggling with this, as well as all the other stresses and time constraints in my life I also feel like I am doing very well right now. I haven't looked at any pornography or masturbated since last saturday, 8 days ago, except for a few minutes when I started to slip on friday, but I got back in control and I am still doing well.

Hopefully I can keep it up.

... and I am looking for little victories.

I did it. I finally met with my Bishop. I had been putting it off ever since I got a new one a few months ago, and I am glad that I finally got around to it. I kept wanting to have been sober a little longer before I talked to him, so I could walk in with good news. My last bishop always asked when the last time I had slipped up was, and the answer was never what I wanted to invariably I felt shameful and embarrassed when I went to see him. My new bishop is very different. He never asked when the last time was, and I was glad since it was the day before. He didn't try to push me to change, and tell me that I need to hurry and put this behind me, like my last Bishop did. He told me that it took me a long time to get to this place in my life. I have been struggling with addiction for eight years. It's also going to take a while to get out. He told me that I am not going to be able to change overnight, but I need to look for little victories, that even resisting just one time is a start.

I was so thankful for all the things he said. To feel his support instead of his judgement was a great blessing to me. I didn't tell him all the things I should have though, but I told him enough for now. I will see him again in two weeks, and hopefully then I will be ready to tell him the rest, so I can keep moving forward. In light of what he said to me though I am going to list a few of the little victories I have already made...

Just going to see him felt like a huge victory

and I was able to stay in control today

and I am alone right now but I am in control, and getting my thoughts out.

I think things are going really good. Hopefully it stays this way for a little while.

... and I am scared to be alone.

I mean this in more than sense. Days when I am alone are the hardest for me to stay in control. I find that I can be doing really well, but as soon as i am in a situation where I am alone, I slip into old habits and patterns. This is very frustrating, as I find that living with my family is very stressful, definitely one of my biggest triggers, but I don't trust myself to move out, because of how quickly I lose control.

The other way I mean this, is that sometimes I worry I will push all the people I care about away from me, and I will have no one to turn for help. I can be impatient, and lately I found myself more and more angry all the time. I try not to snap at my friends and family, but I often say what I am thinking before I have a chance to censor myself. Those who understand what I am dealing try to be patient with me, but I can see that they struggle to deal with me. The are more easily put on the defensive around me, even when I am feeling fine because they are now accustomed to me attacking them.

I am working on being more patient, on keeping myself from doing and saying things to hurt those I care about. I am making progress but it is slow going, but I will keep working at it, because I am so thankful for the amazing support system I have, and I don't want to lose it. There are so many people who I am able to trust, and confide, at least to a degree, and they are a huge support to me.

I have a friend who attends recovery meetings with me, and he has been struggling in the past, but he is working hard on changing, and he is doing much better than me right now, but he continues to offer me positive encouragement. It feels like a major role reversal as initially he was very reluctant to even come, and I was always having to encourage him, but now he is the one helping me.

We read step two this week at the meeting, and this was good for me. I feel hopeful again, and ready to keep pushing forward. I am still scared to open up, but I know I need to stop making excuses and just push forward, because if I don't there will always be another reason to stay where it is familiar, and I know if I can push forward everything will be much better.

My Name is Allen and I am Terrified...

I finished Step 4 months ago and I am struggling to push myself over the next line. Step 5 is about confessing to someone all the things you learned and wrote in step 4 and I am can't get over my fear of letting someone else in. I want to put this behind me, I can understand the value of this step, and I recognize that once I do it I can continue to progress but that intellectual understanding does not make this any easier.

I am LDS, more commonly known as Mormon. Our church sponsors a 12 step addiction recovery program that is adapted slightly from the original 12 step AA program. Step 5 is also includes confessing to God. This is done through my ward Bishop. Unfortunately my Bishop is a close family friend and that makes it that much harder. I made an appointment to meet with him tomorrow, but now I don't want to go through with it. I always feel good about meeting with him after my recovery meeting Tuesday, but by the time Sunday rolls around I have usually slipped in my abstinence, as well as lost my nerve to be honest. I am hoping I can push the appointment until next week, and maybe that will work better, but if it does't I may have to request doing it another day, perhaps Wednesday when I am still committed to my decision.

I was feeling good about talking to him yesterday, but then I gave in to my addiction, and today I all I feel is an overwhelming sense of shame. Well maybe next week...

My name is Allen, and I am losing control...

I have been sober for four days and it is taking it's toll on me. I use my addiction as an anesthetic. When I am using I don't feel pain or anger, or anything. I can be completely rational without letting emotions hamper my judgement or thinking. Whenever I start to abstain that all changes. And the first one I always feel is anger. All the time. At my friends for asking stupid questions. At my sister for wanting to talk to me. At my facilitator at group for seeming impatient with someone else. At the quiet, or at the noise. I am not sure I can deal with it.

I am generally the rock for everyone around me. I am the person the come to talk to, not necessarily for advice, but because I am a good listener. And I know how to keep information to myself. I am the one who helps to defuse arguments by pointing out when others are being irrational, but I am having trouble at doing the same to myself. Not only that but when I am like this I hate listening. I have a hard time even pretending to care about anyone else's thoughts or problems. I keep it all under the surface though. I am good at that. That's one thing I have learned from struggling with addiction for eight years; I know how to look like I am in control even when I am falling apart.

My one respite from all the anger is music. There is a lots of music I can't stand, but the stuff I do like gives me a chance to step out of myself for just a minute, to let go of my anger, my own pent up emotions and to feel, for just a brief moment, what it is like to be someone else. Hopefully it can keep me sane long enough to push past the anger.

Maybe I need a better outlet...

My name is Allen and I am an Addict...

I was looking for a place where I could read about someone else's journey through the twelve step program, a place where I could hear someone else's story, and hopefully find guidance about how to move forward in my own life. Unfortunately I had difficulty finding what I was looking for, so I decided to start recording my own journey.

I do have a journal, that I try to write in regularly, but that journal only helps me. Hopefully through this blog those of who are struggling can come together, and support one another. I attend recovery meetings every week and I hope the twelve step program, taken from the original alcoholics anonymous model, can help me find peace and control in my life. I recently finished step 4, my moral inventory, and I am now struggling to find someone I trust enough to use for step 5, to read my entire inventory to.

I do find that meetings help me, but I often feel like they are not enough. I have been attending for eight months, and I still feel hopelessly out of control most days. I have not even been sober for 24 hours. Hopefully I can open up more about my self, and my struggles as I write this blog, but I am finding it difficult to talk, even here, where no one can recognize me, and possibly where no one will even read this.

I really want to do step 5. I feel lonely. I crave the intimacy of having someone know me completely, the good and the bad, and still care for me. On the other hand, I am scared, scared that anyone who really knew me, could never love me... Maybe pity me, but they would not choose me to stand beside them, to tie their life with mine.

I guess that is all I have to say for now.

Thanks.