Almost Out

It has been a few weeks since I have written anything here, but a lot has happened in those few weeks. Yesterday I came out to my last sister. I am now out to my entire immediate family. The reactions varied quite a bit.

My eldest sister, who has five kids, and whose husband is currently a bishop reacted in a manner that is probably typical of her position. My views on the church, and on what my path would be from here on out were not what she wants for me. She feels that I should stay in the church, and follow the church`s guidance. I maintain that I know that not everything the church says on the subject is good or true, and that without a personal witness, which I have never received, I am not willing to do what other people tell me God wants me to do. She isn't sure that I should adopt kids when I eventually get married, because there are things a man can't give a child, and that we will be lacking as parents. If i do that I need to make sure my kids get to know my sisters so that they can give them what I can't. I told her that it is that kind of thinking I need to protect my family from.

My next sister, who is also married, and has a couple kids, told me that she has guessed that I was gay since I was 14. She tried to be encouraging and supportive, but she still feels I should stay in the church. But she will be supportive of whatever life I choose. She told me that the rest of the family is always going to view me as a missionary project. She said that she won't, but that she will accept me as I am, and accept that my life makes me happy, but only on the condition that I don't try to damage her testimony by exposing her to 'Anti' ideas. I agreed to that, as it is fair to me, but said that doesn't mean I will be silent on the issue. If the family is having a religious conversation I won't stay silent for her sake. She said that that is fair.

My next sister, the one just older than me, who is married, but her husband has a daughter from a previous marriage, was surprised, even shocked, for just a moment, and immediately calmed down, and sorta said, well that makes sense. We talked about it for a while, and she told me that the more we discuss it, the more it makes her question things the church has said. She has never had to ask the right questions before, because she has no personal contact with any other out gay people. She doesn't have the same attachment to the church that the first two, so she was able to be more open. She even offered to potentially be a surrogate when I have kids, depending on what her life is like then. Not sure if that will ever happen or not, but for her to say that meant a lot.

My last sister, the youngest one, younger than I am, I already mentioned. She is living with her boyfriend, and is inactive, and she was excited for me. We didn't need to have a talk. She just said that she was excited for me. We have talked much more since then though. She has her own questions with the church, obviously, and so I tell her my views quite frequently.

Now these are summaries of two hour conversations, but while not everyone reacted exactly as I wanted, they all reacted much better than I expected, which is great. I also told them all that they could tell their husbands if they want, and so all my brothers in law know now too. It will be interesting to see what happens when we start telling the nieces and nephews. Most of my sisters already said that they should know, and that it shouldn't be a secret, but Sister Bishops Wife might be hesitant to go down that path. I'm not sure how she will react when I explain it to her kids. But I am not going to be silent for her, so that she can tell her kids why what I am choosing is bad. I will tell them why I think it is right.

I have told a few cousins, and most of my close friends now too. Everyone I have told so far, I have told to keep it quiet, because there are still people who I want to make sure here it from me, and not from someone else. But by the end of the summer I think I will be comfortable being totally out, and it won't be a secret at all any more. And that sure is exciting to me. Not all of my friends have been super supportive, and one reacted a little more strongly than Sister Bishop's Wife, but no one has disowned me over it yet.

My parents still make... uh... interesting... comments occasionally, but they are trying, and so I try to be patient with them. After all this is still new to them, and I have been dealing with it for years. It is amazing to compare where I am now, to where I was a year ago. Last year at this time I was just coming out to my first friend, but I couldn't bring myself to self-identify as gay, so I told him I was bi. And I was doing in an effort to change, as part of step 5 in the church's 12 step addiction recovery program. In my mind then I was an addict. But being able to tell one friend, and him not really caring, and being supportive, has helped lead me to where I am now. So if for nothing else, I can thank the church for encouraging me to confess to a friend, because it gave me the courage to come out.

And to my new subscribers, welcome. Thanks for following. I started this blog in the hopes that I could help people who were struggling the same way I am. And while my definition of 'help' has changed, my goal has not. It is exciting to know that people are actually reading what I write. It encourages me to keep writing, something which I find very therapeutic, as well a great replacement to journaling. It won't be as long a wait until my next post. Promise.