Almost Out

It has been a few weeks since I have written anything here, but a lot has happened in those few weeks. Yesterday I came out to my last sister. I am now out to my entire immediate family. The reactions varied quite a bit.

My eldest sister, who has five kids, and whose husband is currently a bishop reacted in a manner that is probably typical of her position. My views on the church, and on what my path would be from here on out were not what she wants for me. She feels that I should stay in the church, and follow the church`s guidance. I maintain that I know that not everything the church says on the subject is good or true, and that without a personal witness, which I have never received, I am not willing to do what other people tell me God wants me to do. She isn't sure that I should adopt kids when I eventually get married, because there are things a man can't give a child, and that we will be lacking as parents. If i do that I need to make sure my kids get to know my sisters so that they can give them what I can't. I told her that it is that kind of thinking I need to protect my family from.

My next sister, who is also married, and has a couple kids, told me that she has guessed that I was gay since I was 14. She tried to be encouraging and supportive, but she still feels I should stay in the church. But she will be supportive of whatever life I choose. She told me that the rest of the family is always going to view me as a missionary project. She said that she won't, but that she will accept me as I am, and accept that my life makes me happy, but only on the condition that I don't try to damage her testimony by exposing her to 'Anti' ideas. I agreed to that, as it is fair to me, but said that doesn't mean I will be silent on the issue. If the family is having a religious conversation I won't stay silent for her sake. She said that that is fair.

My next sister, the one just older than me, who is married, but her husband has a daughter from a previous marriage, was surprised, even shocked, for just a moment, and immediately calmed down, and sorta said, well that makes sense. We talked about it for a while, and she told me that the more we discuss it, the more it makes her question things the church has said. She has never had to ask the right questions before, because she has no personal contact with any other out gay people. She doesn't have the same attachment to the church that the first two, so she was able to be more open. She even offered to potentially be a surrogate when I have kids, depending on what her life is like then. Not sure if that will ever happen or not, but for her to say that meant a lot.

My last sister, the youngest one, younger than I am, I already mentioned. She is living with her boyfriend, and is inactive, and she was excited for me. We didn't need to have a talk. She just said that she was excited for me. We have talked much more since then though. She has her own questions with the church, obviously, and so I tell her my views quite frequently.

Now these are summaries of two hour conversations, but while not everyone reacted exactly as I wanted, they all reacted much better than I expected, which is great. I also told them all that they could tell their husbands if they want, and so all my brothers in law know now too. It will be interesting to see what happens when we start telling the nieces and nephews. Most of my sisters already said that they should know, and that it shouldn't be a secret, but Sister Bishops Wife might be hesitant to go down that path. I'm not sure how she will react when I explain it to her kids. But I am not going to be silent for her, so that she can tell her kids why what I am choosing is bad. I will tell them why I think it is right.

I have told a few cousins, and most of my close friends now too. Everyone I have told so far, I have told to keep it quiet, because there are still people who I want to make sure here it from me, and not from someone else. But by the end of the summer I think I will be comfortable being totally out, and it won't be a secret at all any more. And that sure is exciting to me. Not all of my friends have been super supportive, and one reacted a little more strongly than Sister Bishop's Wife, but no one has disowned me over it yet.

My parents still make... uh... interesting... comments occasionally, but they are trying, and so I try to be patient with them. After all this is still new to them, and I have been dealing with it for years. It is amazing to compare where I am now, to where I was a year ago. Last year at this time I was just coming out to my first friend, but I couldn't bring myself to self-identify as gay, so I told him I was bi. And I was doing in an effort to change, as part of step 5 in the church's 12 step addiction recovery program. In my mind then I was an addict. But being able to tell one friend, and him not really caring, and being supportive, has helped lead me to where I am now. So if for nothing else, I can thank the church for encouraging me to confess to a friend, because it gave me the courage to come out.

And to my new subscribers, welcome. Thanks for following. I started this blog in the hopes that I could help people who were struggling the same way I am. And while my definition of 'help' has changed, my goal has not. It is exciting to know that people are actually reading what I write. It encourages me to keep writing, something which I find very therapeutic, as well a great replacement to journaling. It won't be as long a wait until my next post. Promise.

That Was Easier Than Expected

When I woke up yesterday I had no intention of telling my parents where I stand with the church, or about being gay. But when the opportunity came up I took it.

In the morning my mom came and talked with me. About nothing in particular at first, but then she told me that she sometimes got the impression that I only went to church to keep her and dad happy. The comment surprised. I knew I wasn't exactly subtle with my disagreements with some of the stuff the church does, but I wasn't expecting to have this conversation. I wasn't going to lie though, not when I was asked in such a point blank way. So I admitted that she was right.

We had a long discussion about the church. My dad joined in after a little bit. I talked about how I don't think the prophets are always right, and I disagree with the common church mentality of "follow the prophet" even if you know what he is saying is wrong, because you will be blessed for it. I talked about the early church, and how I don't agree that God had anything to do with withholding the priesthood from black men. That is was just a race issue. And I pointed out that that does not mean the church isn't true, but I feel that the church should fess up to it's mistakes, not hide from them, or edit the history to look better than it is. The church teaches to confess and forsake your sins, but the organization of the church is bad at practicing what it preaches.

I also told them that I had never received an answer. That when I was a deacon I "received revelation" that I was going to be the deacon's quorum president. But I wasn't. So from that I learned i could trick myself into feeling things that weren't there. So I decided that all my answers needed to be concrete. And I let myself believe in the church without an answer for a long time, but one day I decided I couldn't anymore. And I started asking questions, questions no one could answer...

My parents told me they also had problems with the church. I asked for some examples. My mom said homosexuality. A few weeks ago I brought up with my mom a friend who was engaged to her partner. I told my mom about it, and she was excited, until she realized it was a lesbian couple. I did it to test the waters with my parents. I have occasionally exposed them to ideas that might upset their way of thinking to see if they are capable of changing their views. And I guess this was working better than I thought it did. My mom said that when I brought up my friend who was engaged it got her thinking about how hard it must be for gay people in the church. There just isn't a place for them.

We talked about that for a bit, and that is when I knew that this would probably be the best opportunity I would have to come out to my parents. I told them. Neither was surprised. They had been wondering for a bit, mostly because of the way I kept bringing stuff up to see what they thought. They were glad I did that though, as it gave them time to reevaluate some of their values before they talked through things with me.

I told them what my life had been like up until recently. Feeling like I had two complete identities living inside me, that hated each other. I said I would wake up and hate myself, and feel like God hated me for who I was, even though I couldn't change. But in the last year, as I came to terms with myself I finally have been happy. Postive. Not just occasionally. When I am so engaged in something that I can forget myself, but all the time.

They had questions, which I did my best to answer. I reflected back on the time that dad was asking how I would teach my kids about this. I told them that what I wanted to say back then was "Well, it'll be easy. My kids will have two dads." My parents smiled at that. That i still wanted a family.

They asked me to see a mormon psychologist. I told them that I would think about it, but that I can't go back to hating myself, to trying to change. They said they didn't expect that, but that they thought it would help. That the person they went to for couples counseling sometimes would be able to help me. I told them maybe, but it isn't real likely. I don't feel like I need help. I am well adjusted and comfortable with who I am. And I don't want to make them pay for that, when I am not going to get anything out of it.

I asked how they would feel if I came out publicly. They said that it was my decision, and they wouldn't try to stop me, but that I should try praying again first. My mom pointed out the church says it is okay to be gay, you just can't act on it. I rephrased it. "You can be gay. You just can't be gay." To point out the hypocrisy. The church doesn't mind who I am, as long as I keep it quiet, stay in the closet. My mom didn't quite get it at first, but Dad did. I said I wouldn't do that. That I plan to be out, and I plan to be a positive role model when I get famous writing *crosses fingers*.

I said that what the church asks, when it comes to being alone, and celibate, is too much. That I won't do that. They said I could have a family, a partner, and kids. I just have to stay celibate. I didn't fight them on that, even though I think that is a crazy idea. And if I am civilly married the church shouldn't care what we do (not that I care what the church thinks anyways, but my parents do).

I asked my parents how they would feel if I stopped going to church. They said they guess they would understood, they can see how it would be hard for me to go, especially in a YSA ward, but they would appreciate it if I go to at least sacrament meeting. So that is what I will do for now. They really want me to have a testimony. I told them I could consider trying again to get an answer, but even if i get an answer about the gospel, I have no desire to support the church that hates me. I won't attend in the future. There is no place for me there. I would reconsider when the church does. Although I can't see myself ever going back. I am not a big fan of religion. period.

We got back to talking about the follow the prophet thing. My parents said that they have never felt that the churches teaches to follow the prophet even if he is wrong but that the prophet will never lead people astray. So I brought up the churchs earlier stance on homosexuality. On their support for mixed orientation marriages, and the push to just get all the gay people married, and then they will be cured.

My mom agreed that this was wrong, but my dad said that it was just an opinion. I said that that is true, but the church's push for this was leading people astray, that it hurt many families. And pointed out that this isn't the only time in the church's history where individuals or groups have been led astray or hurt by the church. My parents reluctantly agreed. I explained that I will never follow blindly. When any church leader, the prophet included, says something that I think isn't true I will call them on it. And that I think lot's of the rules the church stands behind, no earrings for men, one for women, the whole idea about maintaining a conservative appearance, has nothing to do with God, and concrete truths. The old prophets had beards, but now bearded men can't work in the temple. This is the church acting like the pharisees that Christ rebuked. They built a law around the law, especially in regards to the sabbath, and Christ was against this. I told my parents that when and if Christ does return he won't be saying that there are many who draw near unto him with their lips, but in their hearts are far from Him, just about other churches. It will apply to our church too, and even to many church leaders.

I told them some of the things Packer has said, and how it is hard for me to have anything but hate for him. I explained that I think that most of what the church teaches on the subject currently has very little to do with God, and more to do with ideals of the culture the qourum of the twelve grew up in. I said I wouldn't hold myself to the things they have said, because I do not think they are of God. And since God has been silent, it is up to me to do what I think is right.

They reluctantly agreed again. We left things there. Their response isn't perfect, but it was far better than I could have expected. I will try to keep helping them reshape things, and be more understanding as time goes on. We will see how they react when I stop censoring myself. When I tell them about guys in the ward I find attractive. I won't be doing that any time soon though. Got to let them slowly adjust.

So know one sister, and my parents know. Just three sisters left. We will see how it goes. The most difficult conversation will be with my oldest sister, whose husband is a bishop. She is the one most likely to try to save me, and try to show me how God can "cure" me. But we will see. I will probably tell her last.

and I'm back on the dating scene.

I have a lot to say today. But in order to keep things focused, I am breaking it up into two blog posts. So here goes...

Last weekend I went to a mormon wedding reception. Which was interesting, but mostly uneventful. However my "anti" friend introduced me to some of his family, who are also ex-mormons. Some very interesting conversation, nothing noteworthy though. Except for his gay cousin.

He was open about being gay, so I knew right away. But eventually the two of us were talking alone, about lot's of things. Identity mostly, how it affects people as they come out, how it affects groups within the gay community, and how problematic all the infighting in the community is. We need to show a united front to the world, and stop throwing labels and insults at people. After we got more specific, and i was still following and understanding the conversation it was pretty clear I was gay, although he might have guessed even earlier. I told him, and he said I figured.

He may have been into me, and he started asking me more personal questions, but I didn't feel comfortable talking there where there were still many people I wasn't out to. But I was comfortable enough with who I was to be honest with an almost complete stranger. So that was a big step.

But even bigger are the two dates I went on last week. Well one more than the other, but I will get there.

So a nice mormon girl asked me to go to a movie with her. I am not sure if it was a date or not. We both payed for our own tickets, but she didn't invite anyone else. And she keeps chatting with me on facebook. And I am not sure how to shut her down without hurting her feelings, without coming out. But I don't want to lead her on either. And she is little too 'religion'y for me to be comfortable outing myself to her just yet. We will see how that goes. Hopefully she will see there is no chemistry, and things will solve themselves... or maybe not. Because there are some straight girls that I have great chemistry with...

But even bigger is the date I went on yesterday. It was with a guy I met online. He is older than me... a little... like 10 years... And I am not sure how I feel about that yet. But I am taking it one step at a time. We had tried to meet a few days in a row, and one of us kept having to back out or reschedule, but he seemed really patient with me. And he was cool that I wasn't experienced, and he was willing to take things at my pace. I have chatted with lots of guys, but very few have been as patient, or seemed as responsible. Plus we realized we had a lot in common even before we met. We like similar books, TV shows, movies, music. So all that made it a little easier to go see him.

But I still felt terrified going to his apartment to meet him. I had gotten this far with another guy I used to chat with, and then chickened out. I didn't want to do that again. I needed to move forward. So up I went.

And it was great. We started out by just chatting on his balcony. Even though we have many similar views, we have very different backgrounds. But we talked for a while, and it was very enjoyable. We have similar values, and very similar personalities. We are both the guy that loves to debate with people, and if everyone around us agrees then we might have to play devil's advocate.

We went on a walk, and kept talking. Got to know each other. The thought briefly entered my mind that he was taking me into the woods to rape and murder me. But he didn't, so that was great.

When we got back, I think he wanted to move things to the bedroom, but he didn't want to push me. He asked what I wanted to do, and I said we could watch some TV, so we watched the first few episodes of Modern Family. Which I enjoyed. Great show. And the cuddling on the couch was great too. I have waited so long for just that. And it didn't disappoint.

Eventually my friend from out of town texted me and said we should go for dinner. He, the guy I met, (I guess he needs a pseudonym, how about Rob) also had a friend call, so I leaned forward and said I should go soon. We had already been talking and stuff for 3 or 4 hours. He agreed, but started rubbing my back. He kept asking if I was OK, how I was feeling, if I was comfortable, so I trusted him. So when he leaned in to kiss me I let him. And then we went a little further, and a little further after that, and well the rest is pretty personal, but I am sure you can guess the gist.

But it was a huge step forward for me, and I have made a new friend. Perhaps something more will come of it. We will have to see.

And the two dates definitely felt very different. One I was awkward and uncomfortable, the other, I was nervous, but excited, and completely enjoyed myself. I can't wait to do it again.

and I'm waiting for a new attitude.

I mentioned in my last post that I recently came out to one of my sisters. She said something when I did that was new to me. She said that she was excited for me. Excited, and that she was sorry that we had a sucky family. I came out to one of my cousins on Sunday. She said something similar. She was excited, and happy for me.

This was a big change from other reactions I have received. The first person I came out to was supportive, but still saw it through the lens he had been given by his family, and the church. So while he was supportive, he still saw it as something to deal with. A problem, a struggle. To be fair I did at the time too, and my attitude may have colored his reaction. The next person I told was an ex-girlfriend, who I am now very close with. She was supportive, but I think also a little hurt, because of all the time I had spent lying to her and me about who I was. Our history changed the way she reacted.

But with my sister, and my cousin, there was genuine excitement. While I have been waiting, and wanting to come out for a while, I still have this fear, from thinking that coming out is getting something off my chest, some horrible secret. And while I am looking forward to the excitement of being able to be honest, and live the life I want, the dark cloud has overhung that. But when my sister and cousin were excited for me it showed me that what I have been looking at as something shameful and scary, could, and should be something exciting.

I still need to be careful, and proceed with caution. Most of my family won't see it the way my younger sister, and cousin did, but now I can see that there will be people who can be excited for me, and happy for me. And more importantly that I can be excited and happy about this, instead of dreading it.

And I wish you could see it my way...

I just had a very interesting talk with my father. My sister, who is married with five kids, called him and told him that he needs to be more careful with his media; get rid of R rated movies, not play M rated games, and that will help him. And then she said that my Dad should pass that info onto me as well.

So that got my dad and me talking about obedience, about what I call Blind Obedience. When people become so devoted to following someone else’s words, that they stop being agents, and merely become objects. I could do a whole post about just the stuff we said about filtering our media, but then we started talking about the renovation project in Salt Lake. I said that the way the church is spending money doesn’t always seem right.

I don’t know if you know about the church and this mall in downtown Salt Lake, but the rumours are that mall is costing the church upwards of 3 billion dollars. Some perspective; the tallest and most expensive buildings in the world have cost about 2 billion. For the price of this mall the church should be able to do a whole downtown core, and perhaps a large housing project. I won’t go into much more detail than that. If you want more info follow this link: http://truthmarche.wordpress.com/2010/10/25/church-finance-part-iv/

The point is that it seems that church invests tithing money and uses the capital for projects like this. I argued that the church should let more tithing stay in the wards where it was collected, where it can help communities. This would help the church look appealing to outsiders, as well the members could see their tithing bless others, which would make it easier to pay. WIN WIN.

Dad was worried thinking this way would affect my testimony. The truth is I don’t have one. Maybe the church is true, maybe it isn’t. I don’t care. I don’t feel a strong desire to be a part of it, except that leaving the church means leaving my family. What I told my dad was is that I can separate the church and the gospel, and I can separate the leaders of the church from that. They can make mistakes without it meaning the church isn’t true.

Then somehow prop 8 got brought up. Ok, I guess I don’t need to be coy; I brought prop 8. And I said the church shouldn’t have got so involved. And my dad and I argued in circles for almost two hours.

When my sister called my dad he pointed out that she should not be receiving revelation for him. I agreed, and that even if she did she should not say it like that. It is as arrogant and deluded as the men who introduce themselves to women and then tell them that had a revelation and they have to get married.

I pointed out to dad, that as much as he did not like my sister doing that to him, that is exactly what the church did to gay people everywhere when they got involved in prop 8. They announced to the world that they knew how to make all those disgusting gays happier; and how to give them a god that they did not want.

My dad said that ‘The Church’ had a right to do this, because they had a prophet. I pointed out to my dad that the brethren don’t agree on this issue, let alone have the ability to speak for the world on it. I pointed out that Packer said the church isn’t true if gays are born gay, and that Hinckley was humble enough to say that he didn’t know what made them gay, and then gave his opinion on what god wanted for them, for us, I don’t agree with Hinckely’s plan, and if that is what God wants, than I’m not interested in following. But I appreciate his honesty, and humility.

Dad told me not to worry about it to much, because it is only a small population. But it doesn’t matter how small a population it is, when I am part of it. This would have been a hell of a moment to come out. ;)

I reminded my dad of this poem

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.

And I said that the best plan would be for the Gays, and the Church, and all the other minorities who feel like their way of life is attacked every day should team up, and fight for the right for the self determination of all peoples.

My dad was not convinced, and had more rhetoric about how renaming marriage and changing marriage changed it. And how marriage was a religious covenant before it was a civil covenant. I asked why it didn’t bother him when atheist got married, and pointed out that atheists would argue that man invented marriage before they invented god. I told him that my priesthood didn’t become less valuable when they gave it to black men. I told my dad about a quote by C. S, Lewis that I found here http://scrumcentral.blogspot.com/2010/06/mormon-favorite-c-s-lewis-on-marriage.html

The quote encourages two marriages, one for religious people, and one for everyone else. I explained to my dad, that the church already makes this distinction between civil marriages, and temple marriages, so there is no reason not to extend civil marriage to anyone who wants, because it has no effect on temple marriages.

Finally my dad asked how I would teach this to my own children. I didn’t tell him that would be easy, because my kids will have two dads. I did tell him that if one day my daughter (I chose daughter, because I worried that if I used a scenario in which my son came out to me, my dad might put two and two together) tells me that she has a girlfriend, then I am not going to send her away, but I will tell her I am happy for her, and that I want to meet her. Because I know that the relationship with my children is more important to me than the church. My dad does not feel that way, because he has a different view of the church than I do. He said that was interesting. I told him that even President Hinckely said we should make sure our gay or otherwise struggling family members feel welcome. You can tell them what is the standard for your home, but first and foremost make them feel welcome. I don’t remember where or when he said, but I remember it, and that is why I will always respect Gordon B. Hinckely. My dad said that would be said to give up salvation for that though. I told dad that I don’t know that they would. I said that if the doctrine is that they, us gays, are going to be changed in the next life then maybe they could be allowed to live in their kind of family here, and to deal with it in the next life and still receive exaltation.

He told me not to let any of this effect my testimony, because he wants me to raise his grandchildren in the church, and he will be upset if I don’t. Too bad he doesn’t get a say.

But he also said something interesting. I told him that the church used lots of racist rhetoric to back up not giving blacks the priesthood, and I told him that this issue is my generations social rights issue. I said that one day the church will change how they handle gays, and my dad did agree with that, so I told him I am just waiting for it all to come out in the wash, and the church to decide what is true, and what isn’t.

He said then, for me to stay in the church. And to stay strong. That I should be a leader in the church. He said I might be right. He had never thought about the idea that maybe they could live one way here, and then deal with it in the next life and still be saved, and that I should be a leader and help change the church. He said that Harold B Lee had ideas the other apostles didn’t like, and it took until he was president until he could put them into action, but he did it. And I should be a leader, instead of sitting on the sidelines throwing stones.

It is a nice idea, but I will have to let someone else be that leader, because in order for me to do it I need to keep repressing who I am. Something I won’t do. But somehow this conversation let my dad realize that there are other possibilities. That maybe the way he has seen it all his life isn’t the only concrete truth. And while I am not ready to come out to my parents, it gives me a bit of hope that when I do, I can convince them to accept me, at least with time.

In other news, I came out to my other sister (not the one from above) my younger sister, who just moved out, and told me about her secret tattoos. She told me she was excited for me. Excited, and sad we live in a sucky family. She recognized my coming out as the happy and empowering occasion that coming out should be. So I’ve got that going for me. Too bad the whole family is turned against her right now, for moving in with her boyfriend, or I could use her as an ally in the family. But that is ok. For now it can us two, verse them, and we can keep sticking up for each other. It is nice to have at least one person I can trust in the family.

... and I'm ready for a new direction.

This blog is not the same as when it started, and I am not the same person who started it. When I started it, I was a Mormon, who believed he was struggling from some sort of sexual addiction or deviation, because I liked porn, and even worse, I liked gay porn. Since I have started this blog I have slowly come to terms with the fact that there is nothing wrong with me. I am who I am. And a part of that is being gay. I have left the church behind me. Now I'm an atheist. Except I'm not out, and I live with my very religious parents,so I keep pretending. Keep on going to church, and doing the other things that will make them happy, all the while depriving myself of the things I want. But hopefully, soon I will move out, then everything will change.

Because I don't want to do this anymore. I am ready to come out. I want to see who my true friends are, and who was just pretending. I want to see who in my family loves me, and who loves the person I was pretending to be. I want to see who in the church accepts me, and who tries to Save me.

But mostly, I just want to start living for me. I have spent the last 23 years living for other people; my parents, people in my church, and doing things that make them happy, but make me miserable. I don't- I can't do that anymore.

So I am trying to find a way to move out. So I can finally be me. So when my family goes nuts, I am not reliant on them, and I can retreat to my own place and leave the madness behind me.

and I am tired of being fed bullshit.

In the past few months I haven't read my scriptures, been to a recovery meeting, or even said more than the occasional prayer. I have participated in priesthood blessings, which technically I am not worthy for, but it didn't bother me in the least, and I have been looking at porn and jerking off almost daily.

And I have never felt better.

Let me answer the obvious questions. I am not in denial. I am not ignoring my problems. I really am doing just fine.

I think the answer to my problems is not changing myself, but changing my perceptions.

I have believed every thing my parents and church leaders have told me all my life, but I am finally waking up to fact that it is a load of crap. All the religious nonsense, and rigid moral platitudes are nothing more than tradition and hot air. I'm not an addict, I am a typical 23 year old. I am not a sinner, I am a man who thinks critically and always tries to do what he thinks is right.

I admit that I am not problem free. I am still struggling with my sexual identity, and with not believing in the God that my entire family believes in. Mormon isn't a religion that is the least bit casual, so leaving causes quite an upset. My dad once refused to let my cousin stay at our house because she refused to go to church, so telling my family about my atheistic awakening is not high on my to do list.

Maybe I will move out, maybe i will keep quiet until I finish school and then move out, maybe I will tell my family how I feel and hope for the best.

For now I will keep quiet and see how things go, play along. That won't last forever though. I have been starting to push the limits I have always accepted. Maybe soon I will get wasted and see what the appeal is. You know, usual university student stuff...