... and I am trying to move forward.

I have been thinking about the twelve steps program the past while and I am not sure how I feel about it at the moment. Mostly because I am not sure how much God intervenes in people's lives, and if I need God to overcome my problems. On the other hand, I have been struggling with this for almost a decade and things have only gotten worse. If I do go back to the program, I should go back and redo a few steps, like step 2, as I don't have a lot of hope or faith right now.

But, if I do more forward, and I do try to finish step 5 by talking to my/a bishop I have a few choices. I am uncomfortable telling my Bishop everything about what I am dealing with. He is a close family friend, so it is more difficult than telling a stranger, or someone who I won't have to see in other contexts outside of church. I see my current bishop outside of church quite frequently. I am not sure I want him to be one of the people I trust with this, or to risk him changing how he thinks about me for the rest of his life.

So I need to either a) let go of my fear, and just lay it out on the table, and let things fall where they will.

b) Move out, and go somewhere where I won't know the bishop, until I have put all this behind me.

c) Wait. Wait until My bishop is released in two and half years, and talk to whoever replaces him.

I am not too enamored of any of these options but I guess I need to pick one if I am going to keep going through the steps.

... and I'm just being honest...

I made a realization the other day. I made this blog, even though I already one, so I could be totally honest, and use that to help me recover, but I haven't done that. I have held back, just like I do in all my relationships. I didn't fully open up when I was talking to my Bishop, and I didn't open up to my last girlfriend, and even the friends I have opened up a little bit to don't know the half of what I am struggling with. So I decided that right here, right now at least, I will be honest.

I am a struggling sex addict. I have held that back because I know lot's of people don't think of it as real addiction, but I can testify that it is. I will sit down at my computer, intending to only sit down for a few minutes, but when I go to my common porn sites I will find myself trapped for hours. I have jerked off while driving, half of me wishing to get caught, and part of me dreading it. I have met people online and convinced them to cam for me, and done the same for them. I have promised people that I would meet them for sex, but I always back out at the last second, sometimes without telling them, leaving them waiting for me somewhere.

I also struggle with some same sex attraction. I wouldn't call myself gay, but most of the porn I look at is... This is hard for me. I don't want to act on these feelings as I don't to live that lifestyle. I am extremely religious, and have a strong testimony of Christ and I know that these actions are not acceptable before the Lord. I want to get married to a beautiful woman, and be a good father, but there is a part of me that wants something totally different.

Hopefully being honest here will help me to be honest where it counts. I have never expressed these feelings so bluntly before, verbally or in writing, and it feels good to get them out.

While I am struggling with this, as well as all the other stresses and time constraints in my life I also feel like I am doing very well right now. I haven't looked at any pornography or masturbated since last saturday, 8 days ago, except for a few minutes when I started to slip on friday, but I got back in control and I am still doing well.

Hopefully I can keep it up.

My Name is Allen and I am Terrified...

I finished Step 4 months ago and I am struggling to push myself over the next line. Step 5 is about confessing to someone all the things you learned and wrote in step 4 and I am can't get over my fear of letting someone else in. I want to put this behind me, I can understand the value of this step, and I recognize that once I do it I can continue to progress but that intellectual understanding does not make this any easier.

I am LDS, more commonly known as Mormon. Our church sponsors a 12 step addiction recovery program that is adapted slightly from the original 12 step AA program. Step 5 is also includes confessing to God. This is done through my ward Bishop. Unfortunately my Bishop is a close family friend and that makes it that much harder. I made an appointment to meet with him tomorrow, but now I don't want to go through with it. I always feel good about meeting with him after my recovery meeting Tuesday, but by the time Sunday rolls around I have usually slipped in my abstinence, as well as lost my nerve to be honest. I am hoping I can push the appointment until next week, and maybe that will work better, but if it does't I may have to request doing it another day, perhaps Wednesday when I am still committed to my decision.

I was feeling good about talking to him yesterday, but then I gave in to my addiction, and today I all I feel is an overwhelming sense of shame. Well maybe next week...