... and I'm in a downward spiral.

It has been a long time since I have written anything here. There are few reasons for that. It has been several months since I have gone to a meeting, and I am definitely doing worse than ever. I had a lot of time to myself in the last few months, and while it was a great respite, it was a chance for my struggles to grow unchecked.

One good thing has happened since the last time I wrote though. Part of step 5 is having a friend or advisor read your inventory, and being totally honest with them. I wasn't sure I could do that, but I tried. I chose a friend I thought I could trust, and, starting with the small things, let them read my inventory. Finally at the end I told him I liked dudes. I won't say it wasn't an awkward conversation, but it was meaningful. He didn't seem all that phased by it, and accepted it, accepted me. Since then we have talked a lot more, and it has been great to have someone I can be totally honest with.

But this one positive has been surrounded with hardship. I am currently reevaluating how I feel about the Mormon/LDS church. I am not sure if I have ever felt a spiritual testament to it's truth. I feel like I have been playing a part for my whole life, and I am not sure it is who I really am. And that doesn't bode well with me, and m new commitment to honesty. I have told a few people how I have felt, including my one trusted friend. He has some of the same thoughts, and has been struggling with things himself. I am still trying to decide what I will do about my new concerns. I guess stick it out for a bit. I worry that if I back away from the church, and from God it will make recovery harder, as the twelve step program is God-based. On the other hand I feel like church is one of the reasons I am struggle with self-hatred. I am square peg trying to push himself through a round hole. Who I am, someone who struggles with homosexuality, doesn't fit in, and being with that group causes me to judge myself, and condemn myself. It doesn't seem healthy.

On the other hand, I do feel like God understands me, even if everyone at church doesn't. I haven't prayed, or read my scriptures for months, with only a few exceptions. My current goal is going to be to change that, and to go back to meetings, and see if I feel a change in my life.

As for my friend, he is going to need a good pseudonym if I am going to keep talking about him. Let's call him James, as in James Wilson. That would make me the masochistic Gregory House. I think it's an apt comparison.

... and I'm just being honest...

I made a realization the other day. I made this blog, even though I already one, so I could be totally honest, and use that to help me recover, but I haven't done that. I have held back, just like I do in all my relationships. I didn't fully open up when I was talking to my Bishop, and I didn't open up to my last girlfriend, and even the friends I have opened up a little bit to don't know the half of what I am struggling with. So I decided that right here, right now at least, I will be honest.

I am a struggling sex addict. I have held that back because I know lot's of people don't think of it as real addiction, but I can testify that it is. I will sit down at my computer, intending to only sit down for a few minutes, but when I go to my common porn sites I will find myself trapped for hours. I have jerked off while driving, half of me wishing to get caught, and part of me dreading it. I have met people online and convinced them to cam for me, and done the same for them. I have promised people that I would meet them for sex, but I always back out at the last second, sometimes without telling them, leaving them waiting for me somewhere.

I also struggle with some same sex attraction. I wouldn't call myself gay, but most of the porn I look at is... This is hard for me. I don't want to act on these feelings as I don't to live that lifestyle. I am extremely religious, and have a strong testimony of Christ and I know that these actions are not acceptable before the Lord. I want to get married to a beautiful woman, and be a good father, but there is a part of me that wants something totally different.

Hopefully being honest here will help me to be honest where it counts. I have never expressed these feelings so bluntly before, verbally or in writing, and it feels good to get them out.

While I am struggling with this, as well as all the other stresses and time constraints in my life I also feel like I am doing very well right now. I haven't looked at any pornography or masturbated since last saturday, 8 days ago, except for a few minutes when I started to slip on friday, but I got back in control and I am still doing well.

Hopefully I can keep it up.