and I'm back on the dating scene.

I have a lot to say today. But in order to keep things focused, I am breaking it up into two blog posts. So here goes...

Last weekend I went to a mormon wedding reception. Which was interesting, but mostly uneventful. However my "anti" friend introduced me to some of his family, who are also ex-mormons. Some very interesting conversation, nothing noteworthy though. Except for his gay cousin.

He was open about being gay, so I knew right away. But eventually the two of us were talking alone, about lot's of things. Identity mostly, how it affects people as they come out, how it affects groups within the gay community, and how problematic all the infighting in the community is. We need to show a united front to the world, and stop throwing labels and insults at people. After we got more specific, and i was still following and understanding the conversation it was pretty clear I was gay, although he might have guessed even earlier. I told him, and he said I figured.

He may have been into me, and he started asking me more personal questions, but I didn't feel comfortable talking there where there were still many people I wasn't out to. But I was comfortable enough with who I was to be honest with an almost complete stranger. So that was a big step.

But even bigger are the two dates I went on last week. Well one more than the other, but I will get there.

So a nice mormon girl asked me to go to a movie with her. I am not sure if it was a date or not. We both payed for our own tickets, but she didn't invite anyone else. And she keeps chatting with me on facebook. And I am not sure how to shut her down without hurting her feelings, without coming out. But I don't want to lead her on either. And she is little too 'religion'y for me to be comfortable outing myself to her just yet. We will see how that goes. Hopefully she will see there is no chemistry, and things will solve themselves... or maybe not. Because there are some straight girls that I have great chemistry with...

But even bigger is the date I went on yesterday. It was with a guy I met online. He is older than me... a little... like 10 years... And I am not sure how I feel about that yet. But I am taking it one step at a time. We had tried to meet a few days in a row, and one of us kept having to back out or reschedule, but he seemed really patient with me. And he was cool that I wasn't experienced, and he was willing to take things at my pace. I have chatted with lots of guys, but very few have been as patient, or seemed as responsible. Plus we realized we had a lot in common even before we met. We like similar books, TV shows, movies, music. So all that made it a little easier to go see him.

But I still felt terrified going to his apartment to meet him. I had gotten this far with another guy I used to chat with, and then chickened out. I didn't want to do that again. I needed to move forward. So up I went.

And it was great. We started out by just chatting on his balcony. Even though we have many similar views, we have very different backgrounds. But we talked for a while, and it was very enjoyable. We have similar values, and very similar personalities. We are both the guy that loves to debate with people, and if everyone around us agrees then we might have to play devil's advocate.

We went on a walk, and kept talking. Got to know each other. The thought briefly entered my mind that he was taking me into the woods to rape and murder me. But he didn't, so that was great.

When we got back, I think he wanted to move things to the bedroom, but he didn't want to push me. He asked what I wanted to do, and I said we could watch some TV, so we watched the first few episodes of Modern Family. Which I enjoyed. Great show. And the cuddling on the couch was great too. I have waited so long for just that. And it didn't disappoint.

Eventually my friend from out of town texted me and said we should go for dinner. He, the guy I met, (I guess he needs a pseudonym, how about Rob) also had a friend call, so I leaned forward and said I should go soon. We had already been talking and stuff for 3 or 4 hours. He agreed, but started rubbing my back. He kept asking if I was OK, how I was feeling, if I was comfortable, so I trusted him. So when he leaned in to kiss me I let him. And then we went a little further, and a little further after that, and well the rest is pretty personal, but I am sure you can guess the gist.

But it was a huge step forward for me, and I have made a new friend. Perhaps something more will come of it. We will have to see.

And the two dates definitely felt very different. One I was awkward and uncomfortable, the other, I was nervous, but excited, and completely enjoyed myself. I can't wait to do it again.

... and I'm just being honest...

I made a realization the other day. I made this blog, even though I already one, so I could be totally honest, and use that to help me recover, but I haven't done that. I have held back, just like I do in all my relationships. I didn't fully open up when I was talking to my Bishop, and I didn't open up to my last girlfriend, and even the friends I have opened up a little bit to don't know the half of what I am struggling with. So I decided that right here, right now at least, I will be honest.

I am a struggling sex addict. I have held that back because I know lot's of people don't think of it as real addiction, but I can testify that it is. I will sit down at my computer, intending to only sit down for a few minutes, but when I go to my common porn sites I will find myself trapped for hours. I have jerked off while driving, half of me wishing to get caught, and part of me dreading it. I have met people online and convinced them to cam for me, and done the same for them. I have promised people that I would meet them for sex, but I always back out at the last second, sometimes without telling them, leaving them waiting for me somewhere.

I also struggle with some same sex attraction. I wouldn't call myself gay, but most of the porn I look at is... This is hard for me. I don't want to act on these feelings as I don't to live that lifestyle. I am extremely religious, and have a strong testimony of Christ and I know that these actions are not acceptable before the Lord. I want to get married to a beautiful woman, and be a good father, but there is a part of me that wants something totally different.

Hopefully being honest here will help me to be honest where it counts. I have never expressed these feelings so bluntly before, verbally or in writing, and it feels good to get them out.

While I am struggling with this, as well as all the other stresses and time constraints in my life I also feel like I am doing very well right now. I haven't looked at any pornography or masturbated since last saturday, 8 days ago, except for a few minutes when I started to slip on friday, but I got back in control and I am still doing well.

Hopefully I can keep it up.