... and I'm just being honest...

I made a realization the other day. I made this blog, even though I already one, so I could be totally honest, and use that to help me recover, but I haven't done that. I have held back, just like I do in all my relationships. I didn't fully open up when I was talking to my Bishop, and I didn't open up to my last girlfriend, and even the friends I have opened up a little bit to don't know the half of what I am struggling with. So I decided that right here, right now at least, I will be honest.

I am a struggling sex addict. I have held that back because I know lot's of people don't think of it as real addiction, but I can testify that it is. I will sit down at my computer, intending to only sit down for a few minutes, but when I go to my common porn sites I will find myself trapped for hours. I have jerked off while driving, half of me wishing to get caught, and part of me dreading it. I have met people online and convinced them to cam for me, and done the same for them. I have promised people that I would meet them for sex, but I always back out at the last second, sometimes without telling them, leaving them waiting for me somewhere.

I also struggle with some same sex attraction. I wouldn't call myself gay, but most of the porn I look at is... This is hard for me. I don't want to act on these feelings as I don't to live that lifestyle. I am extremely religious, and have a strong testimony of Christ and I know that these actions are not acceptable before the Lord. I want to get married to a beautiful woman, and be a good father, but there is a part of me that wants something totally different.

Hopefully being honest here will help me to be honest where it counts. I have never expressed these feelings so bluntly before, verbally or in writing, and it feels good to get them out.

While I am struggling with this, as well as all the other stresses and time constraints in my life I also feel like I am doing very well right now. I haven't looked at any pornography or masturbated since last saturday, 8 days ago, except for a few minutes when I started to slip on friday, but I got back in control and I am still doing well.

Hopefully I can keep it up.