... and I'm in a downward spiral.

It has been a long time since I have written anything here. There are few reasons for that. It has been several months since I have gone to a meeting, and I am definitely doing worse than ever. I had a lot of time to myself in the last few months, and while it was a great respite, it was a chance for my struggles to grow unchecked.

One good thing has happened since the last time I wrote though. Part of step 5 is having a friend or advisor read your inventory, and being totally honest with them. I wasn't sure I could do that, but I tried. I chose a friend I thought I could trust, and, starting with the small things, let them read my inventory. Finally at the end I told him I liked dudes. I won't say it wasn't an awkward conversation, but it was meaningful. He didn't seem all that phased by it, and accepted it, accepted me. Since then we have talked a lot more, and it has been great to have someone I can be totally honest with.

But this one positive has been surrounded with hardship. I am currently reevaluating how I feel about the Mormon/LDS church. I am not sure if I have ever felt a spiritual testament to it's truth. I feel like I have been playing a part for my whole life, and I am not sure it is who I really am. And that doesn't bode well with me, and m new commitment to honesty. I have told a few people how I have felt, including my one trusted friend. He has some of the same thoughts, and has been struggling with things himself. I am still trying to decide what I will do about my new concerns. I guess stick it out for a bit. I worry that if I back away from the church, and from God it will make recovery harder, as the twelve step program is God-based. On the other hand I feel like church is one of the reasons I am struggle with self-hatred. I am square peg trying to push himself through a round hole. Who I am, someone who struggles with homosexuality, doesn't fit in, and being with that group causes me to judge myself, and condemn myself. It doesn't seem healthy.

On the other hand, I do feel like God understands me, even if everyone at church doesn't. I haven't prayed, or read my scriptures for months, with only a few exceptions. My current goal is going to be to change that, and to go back to meetings, and see if I feel a change in my life.

As for my friend, he is going to need a good pseudonym if I am going to keep talking about him. Let's call him James, as in James Wilson. That would make me the masochistic Gregory House. I think it's an apt comparison.

... and I am looking for little victories.

I did it. I finally met with my Bishop. I had been putting it off ever since I got a new one a few months ago, and I am glad that I finally got around to it. I kept wanting to have been sober a little longer before I talked to him, so I could walk in with good news. My last bishop always asked when the last time I had slipped up was, and the answer was never what I wanted to invariably I felt shameful and embarrassed when I went to see him. My new bishop is very different. He never asked when the last time was, and I was glad since it was the day before. He didn't try to push me to change, and tell me that I need to hurry and put this behind me, like my last Bishop did. He told me that it took me a long time to get to this place in my life. I have been struggling with addiction for eight years. It's also going to take a while to get out. He told me that I am not going to be able to change overnight, but I need to look for little victories, that even resisting just one time is a start.

I was so thankful for all the things he said. To feel his support instead of his judgement was a great blessing to me. I didn't tell him all the things I should have though, but I told him enough for now. I will see him again in two weeks, and hopefully then I will be ready to tell him the rest, so I can keep moving forward. In light of what he said to me though I am going to list a few of the little victories I have already made...

Just going to see him felt like a huge victory

and I was able to stay in control today

and I am alone right now but I am in control, and getting my thoughts out.

I think things are going really good. Hopefully it stays this way for a little while.

My Name is Allen and I am Terrified...

I finished Step 4 months ago and I am struggling to push myself over the next line. Step 5 is about confessing to someone all the things you learned and wrote in step 4 and I am can't get over my fear of letting someone else in. I want to put this behind me, I can understand the value of this step, and I recognize that once I do it I can continue to progress but that intellectual understanding does not make this any easier.

I am LDS, more commonly known as Mormon. Our church sponsors a 12 step addiction recovery program that is adapted slightly from the original 12 step AA program. Step 5 is also includes confessing to God. This is done through my ward Bishop. Unfortunately my Bishop is a close family friend and that makes it that much harder. I made an appointment to meet with him tomorrow, but now I don't want to go through with it. I always feel good about meeting with him after my recovery meeting Tuesday, but by the time Sunday rolls around I have usually slipped in my abstinence, as well as lost my nerve to be honest. I am hoping I can push the appointment until next week, and maybe that will work better, but if it does't I may have to request doing it another day, perhaps Wednesday when I am still committed to my decision.

I was feeling good about talking to him yesterday, but then I gave in to my addiction, and today I all I feel is an overwhelming sense of shame. Well maybe next week...