... and I am trying to move forward.

I have been thinking about the twelve steps program the past while and I am not sure how I feel about it at the moment. Mostly because I am not sure how much God intervenes in people's lives, and if I need God to overcome my problems. On the other hand, I have been struggling with this for almost a decade and things have only gotten worse. If I do go back to the program, I should go back and redo a few steps, like step 2, as I don't have a lot of hope or faith right now.

But, if I do more forward, and I do try to finish step 5 by talking to my/a bishop I have a few choices. I am uncomfortable telling my Bishop everything about what I am dealing with. He is a close family friend, so it is more difficult than telling a stranger, or someone who I won't have to see in other contexts outside of church. I see my current bishop outside of church quite frequently. I am not sure I want him to be one of the people I trust with this, or to risk him changing how he thinks about me for the rest of his life.

So I need to either a) let go of my fear, and just lay it out on the table, and let things fall where they will.

b) Move out, and go somewhere where I won't know the bishop, until I have put all this behind me.

c) Wait. Wait until My bishop is released in two and half years, and talk to whoever replaces him.

I am not too enamored of any of these options but I guess I need to pick one if I am going to keep going through the steps.

... and I am looking for little victories.

I did it. I finally met with my Bishop. I had been putting it off ever since I got a new one a few months ago, and I am glad that I finally got around to it. I kept wanting to have been sober a little longer before I talked to him, so I could walk in with good news. My last bishop always asked when the last time I had slipped up was, and the answer was never what I wanted to invariably I felt shameful and embarrassed when I went to see him. My new bishop is very different. He never asked when the last time was, and I was glad since it was the day before. He didn't try to push me to change, and tell me that I need to hurry and put this behind me, like my last Bishop did. He told me that it took me a long time to get to this place in my life. I have been struggling with addiction for eight years. It's also going to take a while to get out. He told me that I am not going to be able to change overnight, but I need to look for little victories, that even resisting just one time is a start.

I was so thankful for all the things he said. To feel his support instead of his judgement was a great blessing to me. I didn't tell him all the things I should have though, but I told him enough for now. I will see him again in two weeks, and hopefully then I will be ready to tell him the rest, so I can keep moving forward. In light of what he said to me though I am going to list a few of the little victories I have already made...

Just going to see him felt like a huge victory

and I was able to stay in control today

and I am alone right now but I am in control, and getting my thoughts out.

I think things are going really good. Hopefully it stays this way for a little while.