My name is Allen, and I am losing control...

I have been sober for four days and it is taking it's toll on me. I use my addiction as an anesthetic. When I am using I don't feel pain or anger, or anything. I can be completely rational without letting emotions hamper my judgement or thinking. Whenever I start to abstain that all changes. And the first one I always feel is anger. All the time. At my friends for asking stupid questions. At my sister for wanting to talk to me. At my facilitator at group for seeming impatient with someone else. At the quiet, or at the noise. I am not sure I can deal with it.

I am generally the rock for everyone around me. I am the person the come to talk to, not necessarily for advice, but because I am a good listener. And I know how to keep information to myself. I am the one who helps to defuse arguments by pointing out when others are being irrational, but I am having trouble at doing the same to myself. Not only that but when I am like this I hate listening. I have a hard time even pretending to care about anyone else's thoughts or problems. I keep it all under the surface though. I am good at that. That's one thing I have learned from struggling with addiction for eight years; I know how to look like I am in control even when I am falling apart.

My one respite from all the anger is music. There is a lots of music I can't stand, but the stuff I do like gives me a chance to step out of myself for just a minute, to let go of my anger, my own pent up emotions and to feel, for just a brief moment, what it is like to be someone else. Hopefully it can keep me sane long enough to push past the anger.

Maybe I need a better outlet...