... and I am scared to be alone.

I mean this in more than sense. Days when I am alone are the hardest for me to stay in control. I find that I can be doing really well, but as soon as i am in a situation where I am alone, I slip into old habits and patterns. This is very frustrating, as I find that living with my family is very stressful, definitely one of my biggest triggers, but I don't trust myself to move out, because of how quickly I lose control.

The other way I mean this, is that sometimes I worry I will push all the people I care about away from me, and I will have no one to turn for help. I can be impatient, and lately I found myself more and more angry all the time. I try not to snap at my friends and family, but I often say what I am thinking before I have a chance to censor myself. Those who understand what I am dealing try to be patient with me, but I can see that they struggle to deal with me. The are more easily put on the defensive around me, even when I am feeling fine because they are now accustomed to me attacking them.

I am working on being more patient, on keeping myself from doing and saying things to hurt those I care about. I am making progress but it is slow going, but I will keep working at it, because I am so thankful for the amazing support system I have, and I don't want to lose it. There are so many people who I am able to trust, and confide, at least to a degree, and they are a huge support to me.

I have a friend who attends recovery meetings with me, and he has been struggling in the past, but he is working hard on changing, and he is doing much better than me right now, but he continues to offer me positive encouragement. It feels like a major role reversal as initially he was very reluctant to even come, and I was always having to encourage him, but now he is the one helping me.

We read step two this week at the meeting, and this was good for me. I feel hopeful again, and ready to keep pushing forward. I am still scared to open up, but I know I need to stop making excuses and just push forward, because if I don't there will always be another reason to stay where it is familiar, and I know if I can push forward everything will be much better.