My name is Allen and I am an Addict...

I was looking for a place where I could read about someone else's journey through the twelve step program, a place where I could hear someone else's story, and hopefully find guidance about how to move forward in my own life. Unfortunately I had difficulty finding what I was looking for, so I decided to start recording my own journey.

I do have a journal, that I try to write in regularly, but that journal only helps me. Hopefully through this blog those of who are struggling can come together, and support one another. I attend recovery meetings every week and I hope the twelve step program, taken from the original alcoholics anonymous model, can help me find peace and control in my life. I recently finished step 4, my moral inventory, and I am now struggling to find someone I trust enough to use for step 5, to read my entire inventory to.

I do find that meetings help me, but I often feel like they are not enough. I have been attending for eight months, and I still feel hopelessly out of control most days. I have not even been sober for 24 hours. Hopefully I can open up more about my self, and my struggles as I write this blog, but I am finding it difficult to talk, even here, where no one can recognize me, and possibly where no one will even read this.

I really want to do step 5. I feel lonely. I crave the intimacy of having someone know me completely, the good and the bad, and still care for me. On the other hand, I am scared, scared that anyone who really knew me, could never love me... Maybe pity me, but they would not choose me to stand beside them, to tie their life with mine.

I guess that is all I have to say for now.

Thanks.