and I'm waiting for a new attitude.

I mentioned in my last post that I recently came out to one of my sisters. She said something when I did that was new to me. She said that she was excited for me. Excited, and that she was sorry that we had a sucky family. I came out to one of my cousins on Sunday. She said something similar. She was excited, and happy for me.

This was a big change from other reactions I have received. The first person I came out to was supportive, but still saw it through the lens he had been given by his family, and the church. So while he was supportive, he still saw it as something to deal with. A problem, a struggle. To be fair I did at the time too, and my attitude may have colored his reaction. The next person I told was an ex-girlfriend, who I am now very close with. She was supportive, but I think also a little hurt, because of all the time I had spent lying to her and me about who I was. Our history changed the way she reacted.

But with my sister, and my cousin, there was genuine excitement. While I have been waiting, and wanting to come out for a while, I still have this fear, from thinking that coming out is getting something off my chest, some horrible secret. And while I am looking forward to the excitement of being able to be honest, and live the life I want, the dark cloud has overhung that. But when my sister and cousin were excited for me it showed me that what I have been looking at as something shameful and scary, could, and should be something exciting.

I still need to be careful, and proceed with caution. Most of my family won't see it the way my younger sister, and cousin did, but now I can see that there will be people who can be excited for me, and happy for me. And more importantly that I can be excited and happy about this, instead of dreading it.