That Was Easier Than Expected

When I woke up yesterday I had no intention of telling my parents where I stand with the church, or about being gay. But when the opportunity came up I took it.

In the morning my mom came and talked with me. About nothing in particular at first, but then she told me that she sometimes got the impression that I only went to church to keep her and dad happy. The comment surprised. I knew I wasn't exactly subtle with my disagreements with some of the stuff the church does, but I wasn't expecting to have this conversation. I wasn't going to lie though, not when I was asked in such a point blank way. So I admitted that she was right.

We had a long discussion about the church. My dad joined in after a little bit. I talked about how I don't think the prophets are always right, and I disagree with the common church mentality of "follow the prophet" even if you know what he is saying is wrong, because you will be blessed for it. I talked about the early church, and how I don't agree that God had anything to do with withholding the priesthood from black men. That is was just a race issue. And I pointed out that that does not mean the church isn't true, but I feel that the church should fess up to it's mistakes, not hide from them, or edit the history to look better than it is. The church teaches to confess and forsake your sins, but the organization of the church is bad at practicing what it preaches.

I also told them that I had never received an answer. That when I was a deacon I "received revelation" that I was going to be the deacon's quorum president. But I wasn't. So from that I learned i could trick myself into feeling things that weren't there. So I decided that all my answers needed to be concrete. And I let myself believe in the church without an answer for a long time, but one day I decided I couldn't anymore. And I started asking questions, questions no one could answer...

My parents told me they also had problems with the church. I asked for some examples. My mom said homosexuality. A few weeks ago I brought up with my mom a friend who was engaged to her partner. I told my mom about it, and she was excited, until she realized it was a lesbian couple. I did it to test the waters with my parents. I have occasionally exposed them to ideas that might upset their way of thinking to see if they are capable of changing their views. And I guess this was working better than I thought it did. My mom said that when I brought up my friend who was engaged it got her thinking about how hard it must be for gay people in the church. There just isn't a place for them.

We talked about that for a bit, and that is when I knew that this would probably be the best opportunity I would have to come out to my parents. I told them. Neither was surprised. They had been wondering for a bit, mostly because of the way I kept bringing stuff up to see what they thought. They were glad I did that though, as it gave them time to reevaluate some of their values before they talked through things with me.

I told them what my life had been like up until recently. Feeling like I had two complete identities living inside me, that hated each other. I said I would wake up and hate myself, and feel like God hated me for who I was, even though I couldn't change. But in the last year, as I came to terms with myself I finally have been happy. Postive. Not just occasionally. When I am so engaged in something that I can forget myself, but all the time.

They had questions, which I did my best to answer. I reflected back on the time that dad was asking how I would teach my kids about this. I told them that what I wanted to say back then was "Well, it'll be easy. My kids will have two dads." My parents smiled at that. That i still wanted a family.

They asked me to see a mormon psychologist. I told them that I would think about it, but that I can't go back to hating myself, to trying to change. They said they didn't expect that, but that they thought it would help. That the person they went to for couples counseling sometimes would be able to help me. I told them maybe, but it isn't real likely. I don't feel like I need help. I am well adjusted and comfortable with who I am. And I don't want to make them pay for that, when I am not going to get anything out of it.

I asked how they would feel if I came out publicly. They said that it was my decision, and they wouldn't try to stop me, but that I should try praying again first. My mom pointed out the church says it is okay to be gay, you just can't act on it. I rephrased it. "You can be gay. You just can't be gay." To point out the hypocrisy. The church doesn't mind who I am, as long as I keep it quiet, stay in the closet. My mom didn't quite get it at first, but Dad did. I said I wouldn't do that. That I plan to be out, and I plan to be a positive role model when I get famous writing *crosses fingers*.

I said that what the church asks, when it comes to being alone, and celibate, is too much. That I won't do that. They said I could have a family, a partner, and kids. I just have to stay celibate. I didn't fight them on that, even though I think that is a crazy idea. And if I am civilly married the church shouldn't care what we do (not that I care what the church thinks anyways, but my parents do).

I asked my parents how they would feel if I stopped going to church. They said they guess they would understood, they can see how it would be hard for me to go, especially in a YSA ward, but they would appreciate it if I go to at least sacrament meeting. So that is what I will do for now. They really want me to have a testimony. I told them I could consider trying again to get an answer, but even if i get an answer about the gospel, I have no desire to support the church that hates me. I won't attend in the future. There is no place for me there. I would reconsider when the church does. Although I can't see myself ever going back. I am not a big fan of religion. period.

We got back to talking about the follow the prophet thing. My parents said that they have never felt that the churches teaches to follow the prophet even if he is wrong but that the prophet will never lead people astray. So I brought up the churchs earlier stance on homosexuality. On their support for mixed orientation marriages, and the push to just get all the gay people married, and then they will be cured.

My mom agreed that this was wrong, but my dad said that it was just an opinion. I said that that is true, but the church's push for this was leading people astray, that it hurt many families. And pointed out that this isn't the only time in the church's history where individuals or groups have been led astray or hurt by the church. My parents reluctantly agreed. I explained that I will never follow blindly. When any church leader, the prophet included, says something that I think isn't true I will call them on it. And that I think lot's of the rules the church stands behind, no earrings for men, one for women, the whole idea about maintaining a conservative appearance, has nothing to do with God, and concrete truths. The old prophets had beards, but now bearded men can't work in the temple. This is the church acting like the pharisees that Christ rebuked. They built a law around the law, especially in regards to the sabbath, and Christ was against this. I told my parents that when and if Christ does return he won't be saying that there are many who draw near unto him with their lips, but in their hearts are far from Him, just about other churches. It will apply to our church too, and even to many church leaders.

I told them some of the things Packer has said, and how it is hard for me to have anything but hate for him. I explained that I think that most of what the church teaches on the subject currently has very little to do with God, and more to do with ideals of the culture the qourum of the twelve grew up in. I said I wouldn't hold myself to the things they have said, because I do not think they are of God. And since God has been silent, it is up to me to do what I think is right.

They reluctantly agreed again. We left things there. Their response isn't perfect, but it was far better than I could have expected. I will try to keep helping them reshape things, and be more understanding as time goes on. We will see how they react when I stop censoring myself. When I tell them about guys in the ward I find attractive. I won't be doing that any time soon though. Got to let them slowly adjust.

So know one sister, and my parents know. Just three sisters left. We will see how it goes. The most difficult conversation will be with my oldest sister, whose husband is a bishop. She is the one most likely to try to save me, and try to show me how God can "cure" me. But we will see. I will probably tell her last.